Ask ten people about my life, and you'll get ten different stories. For instance, if you ask my friends, they'd tell you I'm a cool guy who devotes his time and energy to help any friend in need. And that part's true. The honest truth is, they're leeches. When they need something, they come crawling to me, crying and begging—usually for money. I'd get so sick of them, I'd just hand it over so they'd shut up and leave. This tactic always worked. To them, I'm their savior, but to me, they're leeches. I could give countless examples of how truly awful they are, and I could rant for days, but I won't waste any more time on them. Suffice it to say, they're leeches.
If you ask my mother, she'll tell you I work hard and care about everyone's health. She'll say I'm the best son ever. I study hard, listen to her, and even date the women she chooses for me. She could rant on and on about how good I am. The truth? I hated every single woman she chose for me. I'm a modern, elegant man, and I want a modern, elegant woman. The women my mother chose for me dressed like they were attending a business meeting. I only went for my mother's sake. When I met them, I'd tell them straight out that I wasn't interested. Then I'd find an excuse to tell my poor mother they rejected me because of my "personality."
If you asked my ex-girlfriend, she'd tell you I'm a terrible boyfriend. She'd complain about how I paid more attention to others than her. She'd complain I was an unromantic man with nothing. I actually thought I was a pretty darn good boyfriend. The truth? My ex-girlfriend was a gold digger. She abandoned me because she met a rich old man. She became his mistress, sleeping with him for everything she wanted.
If you ask me to tell you the story of my life, I'll say I'm the unluckiest person in the world. When my girlfriend abandoned me, I was seriously depressed. So I went to the Seven-Eleven on the corner of the small apartment I shared with my mother, but because I'd forgotten my ID, the stupid cashier wouldn't sell me any alcohol. So I bought a lottery ticket instead. I forgot about it, but two days later, my lottery numbers were called. I was ecstatic that someone like me, who grew up with nothing, became a millionaire overnight.
After the money cleared my bank, I returned to the stinky packaging company I'd worked at since I got out of high school. No one wanted to hire me because I had a criminal record. To be honest, I defended myself by pushing the man away, and he just… stabbed himself to death with his own knife. An unfortunate accident, really. Anyway, getting back on track, I walked into that company that didn't even care about its employees. My stupid boss yelled, asking why I was late. "You better have a good explanation," he snarled, "otherwise I'll fire you!" I walked up to him, spat on his ugly face, and gave him the middle finger. I spat on his face again and shouted, "You little fucker, I'll watch you from above my skyscraper!" Then I took out a handful of cash and threw it at his face. I even told him the money was for him to buy tissues to wipe the saliva from his face. That was the most perfect, most satisfying revenge ever. Mwahahaha!
Now, let's skip all that and quickly understand why I'm truly the most unfortunate person in the world. You might think, "He's a decent, handsome man with a full bank account. Why is he unlucky?"
Indeed, those who win the lottery often face misfortune. Until my twenty-fifth birthday, everything was fine. I was standing by the swimming pool in a two-million-dollar house, surrounded by beautiful girls, all these leeches kissing my feet. I tried to pull the stupid firework string, but it didn't light. The stupid piece of shit one of the leeches gave me was defective. No big deal, I tossed it to a "beauty" and grabbed another firework. Now, this is where the real tragedy happened. I gazed happily at the "beauty" who was going to sleep with me that night. I watched her slowly tap the fireworks, and the stupid flare shot out. The flare hit me right in my "family jewels," causing excruciating pain, and I accidentally pulled the string of the fireworks I was still holding. All I saw was a beautiful flame exploding in my face, and I tumbled to the edge of the pool, desperately trying to extinguish the flames burning my speedo. That's why I call these people leeches: when I was in pain, they just stood there as if they didn't care. When I decided to roll into the swimming pool, the leeches howled with laughter and even clapped their hands. I was submerged, but the leeches didn't even help me! I had to slowly crawl out of the pool by myself.
After the incident, I was disfigured from below. I used to be an eight-inch-thick, perfectly round hold, but now I'm... disfigured.
Anyway, this is just a short summary of my life. I have to stop recording because I don't want to get into too many details. Anyway, since I'm about to provide detailed information about myself, let's start from the moment my life truly changed. It started at the back bowling alley on that rainy day.
The door swung open. Xiao Lan stood there, a smile plastered on his face, and said, "Hey, recording your tragic life events again, are we?"
I said, "Privacy… that's the rule."
Xiao Lan dared to say, "I'm not a man, so I don't need to follow men's rules."
I said harshly, "You're in a man's world now, so you will follow their rules. Unless you return to your original form, you'll be considered an animal rather than a human. Therefore, you won't have to follow human rules."
He glanced at the watch on the table. "Midnight in five minutes," he purred. "A brand-new day."
I quickly yelped, "No… stay a man!" I pushed him away and bolted into the bathroom, locking myself inside.
"Hey, what's wrong with you?"
I yelled, "I'm going to do a number two!"
I'd locked myself in the bathroom because, from January 1st to January 7th, Xiao Lan became a monster who would tear me to pieces and eat me alive. The first day was always the worst. I heard Xiao Lan begin to bang on the bathroom door.
From the other side of the door, Xiao Lan shouted, "Hey, you really don't want me to break down this door."
I shouted back, "I'm rich! I can afford to fix it!"
Xiao Lan shouted, "Just come out! You know, the longer you play hide-and-seek with me, the more excited I'll get!"
I shouted back, "No, I'm not playing hide-and-seek, please relax. I'm still doing a number two!"
We argued back and forth until, before I knew it, it was already 12:01 AM.
Xiao Lan's voice began to change, and his banging grew louder. "Open the door immediately!" he demanded. I heard him sniffing at the door, then he began to scratch. "Open!"
"Xiao…Xiao…Lan."
He said angrily, "Don't regret it. You hid first." He broke the doorknob and opened the door.
Xiao Lan reached out and ripped open my pajamas. I weakly hit his furry chest twice.
I yelled at him, "Hey! Those are my favorite pajamas!"
Xiao Lan smirked, "You said it yourself. You're rich. Buy another pair."
Xiao Lan picked me up with his furry hands, then led us back to the bed. When he started kissing me… I felt his big, desire-filled tongue, and his hand slowly slid down my abdomen, continuing its descent… my… Sorry, no more details. I think there might be children listening to this recording, so… let's skip the juicy stuff. Anyway, I ignored Xiao Lan's "physical attacks" and continued to record in my mind. Before Xiao Lan became a monster, where were we? Ah, yes… It was behind the bowling alley on that rainy day.