"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH—"
Yep. That was me. Screaming my soul out as I fell like a soggy dumpling from the world's sketchiest air vent system. We were falling faster than Paimon trying to snatch Mora, and just when I thought, "Hey, maybe this is how I die, soaked in regrets and secondhand melon stench,"
—SPLAAAAASH.
Water.
Cold. Wet. A little salty. Possibly suspicious. But not instant death, so we take those.
I flailed. I flopped. I swallowed what may or may not have been someone's old sock water. But I lived. We all did. Yay, trauma bonding.
We swam toward the nearest patch of land like soggy, miserable survivors of a terrible cruise hosted by Celestia's drunkest archon. My clothes clung to me like needy exes, my vision was blurry, and worst of all—
My snack.
The one Itto gave me before we fell. That slightly-burnt, Lavander-Melon-roasted... something. It looked like a sad excuse for lunch back then. But now? Now it looked like it went through
depression and several breakups. Wet. Mushy. Possibly developing a new form of mold.
"...Should've eaten you when you were only half-dead," I muttered to it. It jiggled ominously.
Anyway, we made it to dry land. Keyword: "dry." Because the moment we stepped on it, Itto was groaning like an old man after attempting yoga.
"Ugh... My butt..."
Paimon, ever the concerned citizen of sassville, floated over and asked with a smirk, "So, Bull-Chucker, how's your rear?"
Itto winced and replied, "It's fine... My butt is tough..."
I looked at him. Dead in the eyes. The kind of look that says, I have seen the truth and the truth is pathetic.
"Riiight... doesn't look like that to me."
Shinobu, being the sweet angel of mockery she is, chimed in casually, "Go ahead. You can cry if it hurts. I promise I'll try not to laugh."
"WHAT!? What do you mean 'try not to laugh?!'" Itto exploded, looking personally betrayed by humanity itself. "You should be feeling some serious sympathy for me right now!"
"But wouldn't feeling sorry for you be a violation of your dignity?" Shinobu tilted her head. "Besides, it's harder not to laugh when I'm not the one in pain."
"Pfft—" I couldn't hold it. "She ain't wrong though."
Yanfei giggled behind her scroll. "Technically, sympathy doesn't have to be expressed verbally. You can also cry internally, Itto. Want me to write that down for you?"
Itto huffed. "I'm surrounded by savages. Actual, legal, sarcastic, scholarly savages."
Yelan crossed her arms, eyes scanning the dark. "Oh, quit whining, Itto. You're lucky the water didn't break every bone you had."
"It broke my pride, does that count?!" he shot back.
Cue Itto sputtering nonsense about loyalty, friendship, and how our entire party lacks compassion. Meanwhile, Yelan was scanning the area like a serious adult with a serious agenda.
"...Wait a second," she muttered. "Xiao isn't here. But..."
She pointed. We all turned.
A building-looking thing. Stone walls. Ancient, ominous architecture. Basically: Evil Home Depot.
Lumine narrowed her eyes. "Hmm? Is that... a door?"
I sighed. Deeply. Tragically. With the kind of emotional weight only someone chronically cursed by bad doors can understand.
"Yep... After a domain, of course there are doors next that I'm 100% sure will ruin our lives as well."
"Might be a rest stop," Yanfei muttered, adjusting her soaked hat. "Unlikely, but not impossible."
Itto stared at the door with a childlike gleam of hopeful idiocy. "Maybe it's some sort of... I dunno, an emergency shelter? There was a picture book I read that said nice people sometimes build cabins in dangerous places, so that anyone in trouble can shelter inside."
I turned to him, absolutely floored by the optimism.
"Hate to break it to you, compadre, but this ain't a picture book. And no sane person would descend into hellpit caverns for fun. I mean, look at us. Do you think even one of us is normal?"
Yanfei raised her hand like she was answering a multiple choice question about law.
I waved her off. "You don't count, Yanfei. You're a half adeptus."
Shinobu tried to raise hers too.
"You're a delinquent."
"That's profiling," she muttered.
Itto beamed proudly. "Well, I for sure am normal."
I gave him the look again. The look of eternal disappointment and reluctant love.
"Unfortunately for you, compadre, you're not either. Since we're the same species."
He blinked. "Wait, you're an oni too?!"
I sighed. Loudly. "No. But I know we're both idiots."
He squinted at me. I squinted back.
This went on for 5 full seconds until Yelan threw a rock at us.
"Focus, children."
"What is it with her and rocks lately," I whispered.
Lumine was already moving forward, inspecting the ominous architecture. "I don't think it's a shelter. Too elaborate. Too... designed to be a trap."
"That's reassuring," I muttered.
"Well," Paimon floated over, arms crossed. "Should we knock or what?"
"Yes, because knocking on obviously cursed doors always ends well," I deadpanned.
"We could always send Itto first," Yelan suggested. "He's already halfway broken."
"HEY!"
I turned back to the door. The cursed door. The 'probably full of spikes and taxes' door.
"Alright... who wants to try this cursed door first?"
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how our soggy, snackless, emotionally unstable group stood before the next level of psychological suffering.
So uhh.... where were we again?
Oh, right.
In front of a door. Just a door.
But apparently, that was too much for Itto's remaining five brain cells to process.
"Seems like it has already been decided! I'm going first!" Itto thumped his chest proudly like some kind of Oni gorilla. "Aight', watch and learn, everyone! This is why I'm the boss and she's only a deputy!" He jabbed a thumb toward Shinobu, who gave him the kind of glare that could put a dragon in therapy.
He strutted toward the door, puffed up like a balloon with too much self-confidence and not enough brain activity. "If no one is macho enough to open the door, then allow me. Step aside!"
I sighed, shook my head, and whispered under my breath, "Right. I guess that's the same reason why idiots in horror movies die first. I've finally cracked the code."
Itto rolled up his sleeves like he was about to win a prize fight. "Once this door's open, we are outta here!"
And then he punched it.
Like actually punched the door.
With his fist.
Not the mechanism. Not a handle. Just—BOOM—right on the solid wood like a caveman.
Silence.
The door didn't budge.
Itto stared at it. Blinked. Scratched his head with the same hand he just used to assault a door.
We all clapped. Not out of admiration, but in sheer secondhand embarrassment.
"Aight," I said, nodding solemnly, "that's one brain cell out. He now only has four left."
Then—finally—Einstein over here noticed the glowing mechanism literally beside the door.
He poked it.
CLICK.
The door opened.
WALLAH.
He went in like he owned the place, only to freeze.
"Uh... there's... a guy," he mumbled.
"What guy?" Yanfei tilted her head.
"A guy with a mustache. He told me to get out. Also, there's a whole room full of beans. Like, actual beans. Bowls of 'em."
"Uh, am I seeing things," Yanfei asked, eyes squinting, "or was there really someone behind that door?"
"Nah!" Itto dismissed her, flexing bravado. "Can't be. You're just seeing things."
And then Paimon—who I'm 80% sure has a vendetta against Itto at this point—said, "Why don't we just open the door again and see?"
Itto blinked. "Who? Uh, me? ...Oh, a-alright, I'll open it again."
Click.
He stepped in.
And there he was.
Same mustache guy.
Same bowl of beans.
Only this time, the man shouted: "All you do is goof around all day! You're a bad influence on our child! Begone!"
Itto screamed.
Again.
Like a cartoon character getting chased by a frying pan.
He bolted out and the door slammed shut behind him.
Yelan crossed her arms, eyebrows lifted. "Those people are carrying bowls... bowls full of beans. What's that all about?"
I clapped my hands once. "Oh, those? That's an anti-Itto thing. This dumbass is allergic to beans."
"I AM NOT—well... slightly!" he protested. "That gave me the fright of my life... What are people from Inazuma doing in a place like this anyway?!"
"No worries," I said, voice calm like a sage who just ran out of patience. "It's just an illusion. Told you, doors like this have a 100% success rate of emotionally damaging people. And I am, as always, 100% correct."
"How do you know that?" Shinobu asked.
"Easy," I said.
I reached out, hit the mechanism.
Door opened.
And boom.
Nilou.
Pouting.
Arms crossed.
Looking dead into my soul with those watery eyes and saying: "Hmph! I don't like you! You flirt with anyone that has a skirt on!"
I raised a finger. "Wait, I can explain—"
"No. I'm done with you."
And she vanished.
I stood there.
Shattered.
A single tear dropped from my eye like I was in a drama titled 'The Simp Diaries.'
I turned around, stared at them, my soul hollow. "Told you guys... it's the same."
So naturally, everyone stared at me.
Silence.
Then Itto burst into laughter. "Bro, are you crying? Over a dream girl?!"
"She's not a dream! She's a whole goddess!" I snapped. "She dances like the rain, her smile could light up the night, and her hips—her hips could wage war!"
Yanfei blinked. "That's oddly poetic."
"I wrote haikus about her once," I muttered. "Don't judge me."
Shinobu leaned to Yelan. "Is this... normal?"
Yelan shrugged. "Honestly, I expected worse."
"So that's the Nilou girl, huh?" Lumine muttered beside me, squinting. Then mumbled something like "Still cuter than her anyway," and something about chest sizes, but honestly, my heart was already dying. I had no time for cup-size comparison wars.
Yanfei leaned to Yelan and whispered, "Did she just say that out loud?"
Yelan shrugged. "Traveler privileges."
Anyway.
One by one, the others tried.
Shinobu? Her mom scolding her, forcing her to become a shrine maiden again. Yikes.
Yanfei? Stuck in a case so twisted even she couldn't argue her way out. I saw a calculator burst into flames.
Yelan?
"Nope. I'm not doing it," she said.
"What?" Paimon blinked.
"If only something terrible awaits, I prefer not to open it. If someone's going to find a way through, it's definitely not going to be me."
Honestly, that was the sanest choice today.
Everyone turned.
To Lumine.
The Protagonist.
She looked at us.
Took a deep breath.
Opened the door.
And walked in.
We waited.
"Uh... so what's she seeing?" Paimon asked.
No one answered.
Then—BOOM!
Gone.
"Wha—?!"
Splash.
We heard water.
And there she was, swimming back up from the lake we jumped off earlier.
Lumine pulled herself up, soaked, hair clinging to her face.
"We couldn't open the door after you went in! Everyone was super worried!" Paimon flailed.
"Did you find anything, Lumine?" Yanfei asked.
"Did you see the person we're supposed to rescue?!" Itto threw in.
Lumine took a breath and simply said, "No."
I squinted. "You were sent to the Abyss, huh?"
She looked at me, serious. "That's right. I thought I saw an exit... but I ended up back where we jumped from."
I nodded like I understood.
I did not.
But damn, I looked cool.
"Aight," I said. "Time for phase two."
Yelan raised a brow. "And that is?"
"Brainstorming."
She deadpanned. "So you have no idea either."
I grinned. "Exactly. Because I forgot what scene comes next."
Everyone sighed in unison.
***
Alright, so. Picture this.
Yelan crosses her arms. Again. Like clockwork. I swear, it's either her signature pose or her—uh—"assets" are so generous she needs constant support. Could be both. Probably both. I'm not judging. I'm just pointing out facts with zero bias and complete professionalism.
"Alright, let's ignore the idiot and focus," she said, sighing like she's aged ten years.
"Which idiot?" I asked politely.
She didn't answer.
Rude.
"Let me get this straight," she continued. "Not only did we not find Xiao through that door, we saw all the things we wish to avoid.
I nodded solemnly. "Exactly. It's like a door to the dumbest timeline."
Itto raised a hand. "Wait, so... the guy with the beans and mustache is a part of my trauma?"
Shinobu muttered, "It's your whole personality at this point."
"Honestly? That door had more emotional damage than my dad forgetting to pick me up at school," Yanfei said, sipping on what was definitely not a legal drink.
Yelan squinted. "I'm starting to have a very ominous feeling about this domain. It's constantly changing, and its changes seem to be targeted at us."
"For the nth time," I deadpanned, "I told you guys. Space-time distortion, you know? The big-time wibbly wobbly stuff. That. We must find a certain mechanism to help us get out of here."
Yanfei raised an eyebrow. "What mechanism? What does it look like?"
I scratched my head. A rare moment where I didn't have an answer. Felt illegal.
"I've done this before," I said, "I just... can't remember it for some reason. I have a good memory, okay?! I remember birthdays. I remember damage numbers. I remember every time I got rejected—"
"Which is a lot," Paimon helpfully added.
"Thank you, you floating betrayal."
"No seriously, isn't it just because you're an idiot?" she asked, floating closer to inspect my brain like she'd find dust inside.
"No. That's a different issue. This is a quest. I always remember quests." I frowned. "But this time... I don't know. It's like something's pulling parts of my memory out. Or scrambling it like eggs."
Lumine, surprisingly, nodded. "He's not wrong."
Everyone blinked.
Even I blinked.
She elaborated, hesitating. "Everything—well, some things—okay fine, nothing goes easy whenever we go on an adventure. But usually, we know what's coming next. We have a rough idea. This time... Shigeru doesn't really remember. Only parts of it."
Yanfei frowned. "Maybe the domain's distorting time and memory together?"
"That's what I said like six times," I snapped.
"You said 'wibbly wobbly stuff.'"
"Same thing."
Yelan gave me a long, serious look. Like she was trying to measure if my stupidity was natural or artificially enhanced. "Are you hiding something?"
"What? Me? Nah. The only thing I hide is my trauma. Deep down. Like a responsible adult."
Itto blinked. "Wait, guys, uh... not to sound dumb—"
"Too late," Shinobu said.
"—but I'm feeling kinda tired." He yawned, loud and long, like a bear waking up in reverse.
Paimon floated slower. "Now that you mentioned it... I'm feeling a bit tired too..."
Yelan hummed. "That's not normal."
"Nothing about this place is normal," I said, now lying flat on the floor. "This floor is my home now."
Shinobu sighed. "Maybe we should rest. Just for a while."
Yanfei agreed. "Mentally, I feel like I got hit by five lawsuits and a frying pan."
Itto was already curled up on a random stone slab, snoring.
Lumine leaned against a wall, arms folded. "We should keep our guard up. But yeah... I need a moment."
Yelan gave the final verdict. "Alright. Let's take a short rest. But no one wanders off."
"Yes, Mommy," I said.
She glared.
I shrank.
"Finally! Nap time!" I declared dramatically. "I can't wait to lie down and dream about how I got rejected by illusion Nilou. Probably stupid. Probably painful. Probably worth it."
"Why are your standards so low?" Shinobu asked.
"Because life keeps throwing curveballs and I forgot how to swing."
And thus, we all collapsed in various dramatic positions, like badly written soap opera characters who just found out they're secretly twins.
...Until someone farted in their sleep.
I'm not saying it was Itto.
But I'm not not saying that either.
______________________________
End of chapter 78
Quests Completed:
*Find a way out of the space-time distortion by exploring a cursed door and confronting personal traumas, illusions, and an existential identity crisis.
*Try to recall the truth while getting roasted by everyone.
* Act suspicious enough that Yelan wants to interrogate you.
*Convince the team to rest mid-crisis.
*Process fear, nostalgia, love, and rejection in rapid succession.
Rewards:
*+400 Adventurer EXP (Navigated time-space distortion. Barely)
*+500 Emotional Damage (Illusion Nilou rejection)
*+900 Heartbreak
*+1 Crushed Soul
*+10 Drama Points
*+200 Humor Points
*+2 Braincell (Borrowed from Yanfei and Shinobu)
*+900 Sarcasm Points (Paimon's endless commentary)
*Memento of the Rejected Illusion
*+1 Therapy Coupon (redeemable never)
*+1 Missing Memory Puzzle Piece
Achievement:
"It Was Never Real Anyway"
-Get rejected by an illusion so convincing it leaves you questioning your self-worth, your memory, and your taste in women.