For the second time that day, my heart wanted to break, knowing that if I was right, I would never be able to see him in the morning. A sudden thought that had me stopping at the edge of the hallway as I realised that if this was the last time I would ever see my dad, then there was still so much I needed to tell. How thankful I was for all he sacrificed for me. For every late night shift he took that I never thanked him for, or those days he used to wake up before the crack of dawn just to make me breakfast. But most of all, how much I loved him. And so, despite knowing I needed to leave as quickly as possible before my legs all but gave out, I turned back around.
However, the moment I did so, I could feel my vision start to blur, and I was forced to press myself against the damaged dark oak doorway to stay upright. It was then that I bitterly understood that I simply wouldn't have enough time to do so. At such a realisation, I wanted to scream and cry to whatever god there was, for not only taking my life away, but to not even give me enough time to properly say my goodbyes. However, I knew that would be pointless, as if there was a god, he clearly didn't give a rats ass about me or my wishes. So instead, I decided to use what meagre time I had left to say all that I could.
"Dad, you know how much I love you, right?" I managed to say, my voice sounding garbled to my own ears.
Hearing me, my dad popped back into my deteriorating view, his head sticking up from the countertop and crooked kitchen cabinets he had hidden behind.
"Of course, son. I know. You don't have to say anything." He replied. It was hard to tell with my vision worsening, but it looked like his eyes had begun to water as he flashed me a small smile.
" I know. But I need to. At least once, before I… you know." I finished weakly as I did my best to straighten up my hunched-over body, looking directly into my dad's eyes. "I love you Dad. And I'm so sorry that I never told you before. You are the best dad I could have ever had." I wasn't able to see my dad's reaction. My vision was completely obscured with the layer of tears that now rested over my eyes and with the glaring lights that shined down and seemed to only intensify my migraine, making me feel as if my head was getting split into two.
It took a few seconds before I began to hear a quiet sniffle coming from the kitchen, a sound so quiet I barely heard it over the muffled voices still coming from the TV. "I love you too, son." My dad eventually responded, his voice so weak and fragile that it instantly reminded me of when I first told him about my illness. A thought I wish I could rid from my mind of.
"Goodnight Dad." I said as I rushed to my room without even waiting for a response, no longer able to fight against the harrowing pain I felt that seemed to only be escalating in strength. With my remaining, meagre strength, I rushed into my room, all but smashing the door closed as I threw myself onto my bed, my legs sighing in joyous relief as they sank into the stiff mattress below.
Almost instantly, I began drifting off to sleep, unable to fight it any longer. That was at least until one more person came barging into my mind. A person whom I dearly loved and still hadn't been able to say goodbye to. Through bleary eyes I clumsily grabbed my phone from my pocket, throwing it onto the bed, trying and failing to get it unlocked as the pain finally became too much for me to bear in silence, forcing me to groan in agony as I pressed my face flat against my pillow to try and muffle the noise.
Finally, somehow, I managed to get my phone open. Quickly, I scrambled through my assortment of apps, something that was, in turn, becoming a difficult task as each one began to blur and mix with one another, leaving me lost in my search. My mind felt as if I was wading through water, my hand slow and sluggish in its movement, constantly missing the phone with every attempted tap I made.
It was only as my consciousness started to wane and I was unable to keep my eyes open any longer, that I managed to press the call button next to Helen's name. The standard ringing sound promptly played. Yet with every ring, my fears began to worsen that she wouldn't pick up. At least not before it was too late.
'What is taking her so long?' I wondered anxiously, forgetting in my fatigue-filled mind and haste that it was already way past midnight, meaning Helen had no doubt already fallen asleep for the night.
Soon, during the wait, the pain in my chest became even more unbearable, turning my groans into screams of pain, which, despite my best efforts, were unable to be fully muffled. I prayed in my mind as I all but suffocated myself with my pillow that my dad was too busy watching TV to hear my leaking wails. While I lay there as the phone continued to ring and I did all I could to fight to stay awake, all I could think of was how it was all happening too soon. Even up to an hour prior, I believed I had accepted my fate, that I was as close to peace as I could be in the face of my upcoming death. I couldn't have been more wrong.
My screams and groans began to taper out, no longer having even the energy or strength to yell anymore. It was at this point that the ringing of my phone, which had become like white noise to my ears, suddenly stopped.
"Adam? What time is it? What's up?" Helen questioned before letting out a yawn, clearly having just woken up from the slurring of her voice.
I tried to speak, to say everything that I wanted to say, to tell her how much I loved her. How much I appreciated how caring and supportive she was, how she was able, even if only for a while, to make me completely forget about my impending future, how every moment I spent with her was some of the happiest times of my life. I wanted to say all that and more. Yet what came out was a ragged croak that couldn't even be called speech.
"Adam, are you there? Can you hear me?" She asked in confusion.
I tried to reply, to say anything, but every time I did, it came out as only a quiet whisper. Far too quiet for it to be picked up by my phone and for her to hear. Suddenly having an idea, I rolled towards my phone until my face was only a few inches away, before with all my strength I spoke again.
"I love you." I managed to gasp out before being thrown into a silent coughing fit. One that resulted in my bed and phone being drenched in splats of blood. I strained my ears, ignoring the constant humming noise that had appeared from nowhere, trying to hear Helen's reply, for some form of confirmation that she had heard me.
"I love you too Adam. So what's up? Is something wrong?" Instantly upon knowing that she had heard me, all strength left my body as I let out a sigh of relief, or at least as best a sigh as I could accomplish with my face flat against my mattress. There I laid unmoving, still able to vaguely hear Helen's voice resound through the phone until, with the last minimal strength I possessed, just barely enough to lift my hand a few inches in the air, I disconnected the call, not wanting to have to force Helen to listen to my last few moments on this earth.
Now completely devoid of any energy and strength, and unable to even lift my head from the bed, I simply rolled it to the side as best I could, not wanting the last thing I saw to be my ratty bedding covered in my spit and blood. Suddenly, I found my waning attention captured by the window as I saw some movement in my peripheral vision. It was then that I came face to face with a pair of black beady eyes that seemed to stare into my soul.
The crow stood unmoving with its beak pressed against the glass and its eyes holding far too much intelligence for a bird to have. Its midnight black feathers rested flat against its body, almost hidden from sight against the black background that was the midnight sky. For what felt like minutes, we stared at one another, neither one of us breaking eye contact the entire time. That was until my strength and willpower finally gave out completely and, with one last gasped sigh, I closed my eyes; never to open them again.