It started with a bouquet.
An innocent, lovely bouquet of fresh wildflowers—glimmering with dew, wrapped in silver lace, and tied with a soft pink ribbon. It was sitting atop Emilia's desk when she arrived for class, just as the morning sun painted golden rays across the academy's stained-glass windows.
It also reeked of nightshade, arsenic, and an ancient Elven poison historically used to assassinate dragons.
"Oh! How sweet!" Emilia smiled, oblivious to the toxic aura radiating from the floral deathtrap. "Someone left me flowers~!"
Across the classroom, five very specific women froze.
Princess Seraphina's hand twitched toward her wand.
Drakana dropped her sharpening stone and cracked the floor.
Rosette's eye twitched with the precision of a triggered magical proximity sensor.
Lilia began chanting a purification prayer in Ancient Old Holy Husband Latin.
And Alicia—who hadn't blinked in three minutes—slowly, very deliberately, set her tea cup down.
Rei, who had just walked in with toast in his mouth and two hours of sleep in his bones, paused at the door.
Then blinked.
Then turned around and tried to leave.
The door locked itself with a clang.
[System Alert: Auto-Lock Engaged – The Plot Demands Your Suffering.]
[New Mission Available: Identify the Poisoned Gift-Giver Before the Lunch Bell Rings!]
[Penalty for Failure: High-speed Divorce via Decapitation.]
Rei groaned. "Why can't I have a math test instead?"
"Good morning, Rei-kun!" Emilia chirped, holding up the bouquet with the enthusiasm of someone who didn't notice the flowers were already wilting in her hands.
He opened his mouth to warn her, but it was already too late.
She inhaled.
Deeply.
"Ahhh~ Smells like home," she sighed happily.
Half the classroom leaned back in horror.
The other half braced for an explosion.
But instead of convulsing, melting, or combusting, Emilia just plucked a petal and nibbled on it like candy.
"Delightful!"
Alicia.exe stopped responding.
Rosette visibly recalibrated her threat level assessment.
Seraphina crushed her teacup with a trembling hand.
Drakana muttered something about "exotic resistance breeding programs."
And Lilia, in her holy white robes, screamed, "WITCH!"
The professor, meanwhile, hadn't even arrived yet. He was reportedly still recovering from his mental breakdown after witnessing Rei survive three love curses in a single afternoon.
Flashback: Fifteen Minutes Ago
In the bushes outside the girls' dorm, a shadowed figure in a black cloak held out a carefully arranged bouquet to a trembling first-year student.
"Take this and place it on the desk of the one called Emilia," the figure hissed. "Do not ask why."
"But… it's kind of glowing green…"
"Do it or I'll put you in a love triangle with the alchemy twins."
The poor student paled. "Yes, ma'am."
Back to the Present
Rei sat at his desk, watching as Emilia delicately picked out the poisoned stems and braided them into a floral crown, humming to herself.
[System Alert: Emilia's Affection Score has increased to 41%.]
[Yandere Response Threshold Exceeded.]
[Calculating Casualty Forecast…]
[Forecast: BLOODBATH IMMINENT.]
"Uh…" Rei slowly scooted his chair away. "Emilia, maybe you should… not wear the murder crown?"
"Hm? Oh, this?" she asked, placing the leafy circlet on her head like a Disney princess on an acid trip. "It's adorable! And who doesn't love a little danger in life, right?"
"...That's not how normal people react to attempted poisoning."
"Poison? Don't be silly. I've been immune since I was six!"
"You—what."
Emilia giggled. "Papa used to test all the knight recruits by feeding them my birthday cupcakes. He said if they survived, they deserved a spot."
A silence fell over the classroom.
Not from shock.
From pure, unfiltered fear.
Rei stared.
"You're the daughter of the Royal Knight Captain?"
"Mhm! Captain Gran Emilia Solheart is my papa~ He says if anyone tries to mess with me, he'll introduce them to his friend. It's a sword. Its name is Apology Extractor."
A pencil cracked in Alicia's hand.
"...I see," Rei said slowly, inching toward the emergency exit. "I'm just going to—"
BOOM.
A fireball ripped through the window, scattering glass everywhere. From the smoke emerged—
Drakana.
With her dragon wings unfurled, she pointed a clawed finger at Emilia and roared, "EXPLAIN YOURSELF, NORMAL ONE!"
Emilia tilted her head. "Huh?"
"How are you alive?! That bouquet contained six different substances banned by the Magical Geneva Convention!"
"Oh, that? Papa makes me eat a spoonful of those before bed. He says it builds character."
Rosette appeared from the ceiling vents, silent as death. "...Immune to poison. Immune to flames. Immune to trauma. What are you?"
"Just a normal girl," Emilia said with a sunny smile.
Seraphina stood with trembling grace. "There is no such thing as normal here."
"I bake cookies?"
"LIES!" screamed Lilia from atop a desk, holding her sacred tome upside-down. "SHE BAKETH DARKNESS!"
[System Alert: Emilia's "Normal" Flag detected. Error. Error. World Logic Fracture Imminent.]
[Debugging Protocol: Fail. System recommends panic.]
Rei massaged his temples. "I should've enrolled in farming school."
Meanwhile, in the Headmaster's Office…
"Sir!" a staff member burst in. "There's been an assassination attempt in Class 3-A!"
The Headmaster, halfway through packing a suitcase, did not look up. "Did it succeed?"
"No, sir. The target appears… too normal."
The Headmaster paused. "...Oh no."
He zipped up the suitcase. "Evacuate the library. I'm taking the secret tunnel. If anyone asks, I retired to pursue interpretive dance."
Back in Class
As the cleanup spell activated and glass shards reassembled themselves, Rei turned to Emilia, who was now sharing her poison bouquet with a small group of curious fairies.
"You're… not even a little fazed by any of this, are you?" he asked.
"Nope!" she chirped. "I like this school. Everyone's so passionate! And stabby."
"You need therapy."
"Oh, I get that every weekend! Papa says it's important to maintain emotional resilience when dating royalty."
Rei froze. "We're not dating."
Emilia smiled. "Not yet."
[System Alert: New Affection Trajectory Projected.]
[Warning: Sixth Yandere Route Emerging.]
[Initiating Apocalypse Containment Protocol 3-B: PANIC FLAIL RUN.]
To be continued…