[System Notification: Emotional Integrity Protocols Initiated.]
[New Course Unlocked: Marriage Management 101 – Survive or Suffer.]
[Attendance: Mandatory. Grades: Irrelevant. Consequences: Fatal.]
Rei had made many poor life choices. Eating suspicious muffins. Trusting a goddess with a 'glitchy' track record. Agreeing to a blood pact with a dragon girl after she licked his ear. But this—this was possibly the worst.
He sat in a windowless classroom that smelled faintly of dried tears and perfume, facing a chalkboard titled:
"RELATIONSHIP ETHICS – For Multi-Wife Arrangements and Apocalyptic Marriage Scenarios"
"I'm not even legally married," Rei muttered.
"Incorrect," five voices chorused in perfect yandere harmony behind him.
He didn't turn around. He couldn't. The temperature in the room had dropped ten degrees, and the air smelled like imminent bloodshed and Chanel No. 5.
"Present," Seraphina cooed, waving a marriage license.
"Double present," Drakana added, with a rolled-up decree from the Dragon Council titled "Life Mate Recognition Ritual."
"I branded your soul last Tuesday," Rosette reminded him sweetly.
Lilia simply clasped her hands in prayer. "We are one in flesh and devotion, my groom."
Mira, the knight princess, smiled radiantly. "I didn't forge mine. Much."
And then there was Emilia.
Sitting front and center with a highlighter, a notebook titled 'Healthy Boundaries', and a hopeful smile.
"I'm really excited about this class, Rei! I think it'll help us all get along."
Behind her, five sets of eyes glowed red.
[System Notification: New Passive Skill Unlocked – "Heartbeat Detonator." All proximity-related conflicts now escalate 3x faster.]
The door burst open. Their professor entered with the energy of a man who'd already filed his resignation letter five times this morning.
He was a tall elf in tweed robes, carrying a binder, a shield charm, and a visibly shaking wand.
"Welcome to Relationship Ethics, class. I'm Professor Belmarth. You may call me 'Professor.' Or 'Please don't hurt me.' Either works."
"Will this be graded?" Emilia asked politely.
"Not in a way you'll survive," the professor whispered, eyes already scanning for an emergency teleport rune.
Class began.
Page one of the syllabus read:
"Objective: Maintain healthy, non-lethal romantic engagements in a high-risk polygamous environment."
"Sub-objective: Prevent one or more students from dying before finals."
Professor Belmarth drew a simple diagram on the board: a smiling stick figure labeled "YOU," surrounded by hearts, knives, and a looming reaper.
"Let's begin with the three C's of Marriage Management: Communication, Compromise, and Chains."
"I LIKE chains," Drakana muttered.
Rosette nodded. "Shall I bind him now?"
Professor Belmarth coughed violently. "Figurative chains! Emotional bonds! Not physical restraints!"
Rosette lowered the rope she had already produced from her satchel, disappointed.
[System Update: New Relationship Metric Added – "Sanity Drain (SD)." Current Rate: 47 SD/hour.]
Rei slumped lower in his chair.
"Now," Professor Belmarth said, desperate to redirect, "Let's try a trust-building exercise. Each wife must share something they love about Rei."
Seraphina raised her hand. "His pure, innocent eyes that scream 'please don't kill me.'"
"…okay…"
Drakana growled. "His blood smells nostalgic."
Rosette stared blankly. "I memorized his sleep-breath rhythm to 0.1 second intervals."
Lilia smiled. "He looks adorable when bound to a sacrificial altar."
Mira beamed. "He accidentally proposed while sneezing. I treasure the memory."
Rei raised a hand. "Professor. Help."
Professor Belmarth was already scribbling something under his desk. Was that… a will?
Group activity time.
"Pair up and discuss your boundaries," the professor announced, eye twitching.
Rei was instantly dragged into a circle of wives. Emilia tried to sit down, but Lilia blocked her with a staff inscribed "Blessed Bat of Exorcism +3."
"Unholy temptress," Lilia whispered. "Speak not unless summoned."
"I brought snacks for everyone…" Emilia offered hesitantly.
Drakana sniffed them. "She's trying to butter us up. Literally. This one has cinnamon."
Rosette scanned the treats with a surveillance rune. "All clear. But suspiciously normal. Recommend incineration."
Seraphina opened a bottle labeled "Diplomatic Wine". "Let's all relax, shall we? Rei, darling, choose who you want to sit with."
"Don't." Rei begged the universe.
The System obliged—with sarcasm.
[System Notice: New Side Quest Unlocked!]
[Quest: Pick a Side Without Dying]
[Reward: Temporary Truce. Maybe.]
Just as the argument hit boiling point, the professor rang a bell.
"Debate time!" he said, with the enthusiasm of a condemned man.
"Today's topic: Should Rei be allowed personal space?"
"Absolutely not," Rosette said instantly.
"Agreed," said Seraphina.
"I am his personal space," Mira argued.
Emilia raised a hand. "Shouldn't Rei decide?"
A silence fell.
Even the chalk stopped squeaking.
Rei looked around the table. Each yandere wife stared at Emilia as if she had spoken forbidden words from a dead language.
Professor Belmarth ducked under his desk again. "I'd like to resign now."
Seraphina and Mira began debating with passive-aggressive compliments.
"You'd be perfect for Rei… if he liked airheads."
"Oh, thank you! You'd make a great co-wife… in exile."
Drakana lit the ceiling on fire. "Can we duel now?"
Lilia chanted a hymn that made a nearby window crack.
Rosette activated a recording rune.
"Smile, everyone. This will be used in your trials."
Emilia, still smiling politely, passed out more cookies.
Rei chewed one numbly. He couldn't taste anything anymore. Not since the breakfast incident where his oatmeal tried to marry him.
[System Alert: Affection Point Surge Detected!]
[Target: Emilia. Affection Level = 42%]
[Yandere Hostility Threshold = 40% EXCEEDED]
[Status: SMOOTHBRAIN APOCALYPSE IMMINENT]
"QUIET!" the professor suddenly yelled, standing on the desk, tie in one hand, resignation scroll in the other.
"Final assignment: Group project. All six of you must plan a hypothetical wedding ceremony for Rei."
"Hypothetical," he repeated, staring directly into Rosette's soul.
"Submission due next week. If any of you kill each other, you fail."
He collapsed onto the desk. "I'm going on sabbatical. For life."
After class, Rei attempted a strategic retreat. He only made it ten meters.
"You're not walking home alone, darling," Seraphina said, looping her arm through his.
"Yeah," Mira added. "You could be kidnapped."
"Or worse," Drakana rumbled, eyes locked on Emilia.
"I'll join too!" Emilia chirped, hugging her notes. "I want to bond with everyone."
Rosette blinked. "Define 'everyone.'"
Emilia smiled. "You guys, of course."
There was a long pause.
"…I suggest the broom closet," Rei said.
Lilia was already lighting incense.
Back in his dorm room—repaired for the sixth time this week—Rei collapsed face-first onto his bed.
His pillow meeped.
"Spy-chan, not now," he mumbled.
[System Notification: Congratulations! You survived Relationship Ethics Day 1.]
[Status Update: Sanity -23 | Blood Pressure +47 | Trust in Humanity = Null]
[New Title Unlocked: "Polygamy Prodigy Under Duress"]
Rei groaned.
Spy-chan purred.
Outside his window, six silhouettes were already arguing over who got to deliver "bedtime tea."
To be continued…