Oh Saturday nights. The perfect time to invite friends over to have fun and chill. Or in my case to make a live with my rich and famous, teen world-class-dj bestie by the name of Ranger.
Don't mean to brag but thanks to Ranger, I'm pretty popular on social media and at school too.
I get over a hundred followers on Instagram everyday. Not that I'm keeping track or anything.
I totally am
I don't remember how we became friends, but I do remember how I helped him bag Ivy.
Once upon a time Ranger only had his looks, his talents and his fame.
But now thanks to yours truly, he has headaches, neck pain and occasional back pain.
What a great friend I am.
*Smile*
I started setting up the table for mine and Ranger's baking expedition after I called him to confirm he's on his way.
Then my senses were instantly flooded by Ava's perfume.
Not the one she wore to work, the date one.
I watched her walk in--in her beautiful skimpy red mini dress with the thin crossed back, looking like red spaghetti got tangled up on her back (in a good way).
Her unnecessarily high red heels with a cute bow on the back, her hair and makeup spot on.
Obviously done by a professional. I mean Ava's pretty good at doing her own makeup but for her dates she goes the extra mile.
She pays a legit makeup artist to glam her up.
Which in my opinion is so stupid, like why the fuck would I wanna paint my face just to impress some guy who's probably met me already.
Unless if I met him on tinder, then I'd wear the anonymous mask I bought last week, so they freak and flee.
I'm sorry-- I'm not a hopeless romantic, besides the only good guys left are the ones in books and on screens.
Not the actors though they're still human.
So not that great, well except my Timofey of course.
The thought hit me again
Hold up
Ava's going on a date? Ava? I was two seconds away from accepting she'd retire as the neighborhood cat lady with early-onset dementia—just her, a pantry full of cat food, and full-blown arguments with her lamp.
Now my hopes are up for becoming the bad aunt who teaches toddlers how to fake coughs, gaslight teachers, and swear in three languages."
Only kidding of course, I'm a great person so why would I not---i mean why would I do that?
Ava grabbed her purse, straightening out the invisible wrinkles on her dress.
'So how do I look?'
The door suddenly opened and in came Ranger. He saw Ava, did a dramatic twirl and walked closer.
'Yoooo, who's this fine babe? Can I have your number sweetheart'. He wrapped an arm around Ava.
'Very funny Ranger'. Ava said bluntly as she peeled his arm off and said dryly
'I know you have me on speed dial. Also the way you reacted means I don't look half bad'.
'Half bad? Sis you look so great you'd give models a run for their money'. I poured flour into a big bowl.
'You really think so, thank you'. She beamed
'Okay gotta go… and Ranger, I'm leaving you in charge'
'What? Him? Why's he in charge? He doesn't even live here and--and this is my house'.
'Technically it's mine and I would really appreciate it if you dont burn it down. Remember last time?'
I started thinking real hard because I have done so many things in that kitchen which almost guaranteed me a ticket to jail on arson.
' You almost burnt the entire kitchen down'.
'All in the name of "making an omelette"'
'Ohhh, you mean that one'.
I nodded in recognition.
Ranger tapped Ava's shoulder.
'Don't worry Ava we got this, and I'll make sure Em doesn't burn anything down, I promise'.
Ava smiled and walked to the door.
'Em, if we get caught---
--its probably paparazzi, I replied and Ava walked out'.
Immediately the door shut, all hell broke loose starting with our chaotic and hilarious live as we begun baking
'It's saturdaaaay'--Ranger knocks over the bowl of flour.
'That didn't happen'. He said covered in white powder
' And I'm with my Bestie Emily, who you guys already know'
'Hiii I am the bestie, and my name
for today is sass not Emily and I dominate in karate'
I swing a punch to demonstrate my karate skills, which I haven't even seen in action before and it lands on Rangers jaw.
I instantly look away.
'Dude you just hit me'
'Me?
When?
it was clearly a force of nature'.
Ranger pretends to cry.
'Guys did you see that, she punched me and blamed poor mother nature'.
He sobs playfully. 'Who says real men don't cry'.
The room fell silent and we suddenly burst into uncontrolled laughter.
After what seemed like forever we continued the live.
'So guys guess what's on today's menu'.
Ranger reads the comments out loud
-Cupcakes, no
-Tarts, no
-Pie, definitely not
-My number?, he smiled.
'Smooth, that was real smooth'.
'Croissant? That's a professional level pastry guys,chill.
We're just beginners'.
I bring another bowl of flour.
'Guys the mystery pastry were gonna be baking today is--drum roll please'--Ranger drums on the table.
BROWNIES.
'Why brownies? Well because they're easy to make and my sister told me not to burn the house down. So it's also the safest'.
'Guys if anything goes wrong call the cops and pretend like it wasn't our fault'. Ranger added
I put on my game face like I knew what I was doing
'Now let's begin'.
And then it began
our expedition opened with us mixing up the ingredients, obviously not following the recipe and just throwing whatever, whenever.
After thirty minutes we were done with our brownie dough and put it in the oven.
Ranger let out a heavy breath.
'That was so tiring, glad I chose DJing over being a chef'.
This lazy-ass princess
He walks closer to the camera.
'As we wait for the brownies to do their thing Em--uhm I mean Sass and I are gonna give you
Paused for effect
'Unnecessary random facts'.
I clapped and cheered like he'd said the smartest thing on Earth.
First fact was obviously by me.
'Ranger, did you know hamburgers were not invented in Hamburg?'.
'Really? then why'd they name it that?
I mean they could've just named it like I dunno.....meat buns?'
I held my chin in thought
'I think that's already a pastry though. Right guys?'
I say to the camera looking for some sort of confirmation.
Ranger nodded for no reason whatsoever and said
'Let's put a pin in that, but did you know Chile is not called that because it's chilly'.
Dramatic gasp
'I see what you did there-- that's my best friend ladies and gents'. I clapped and nodded praising his almost smart words.
Then he spoke again and the chaos met weird, fell in love and had a baby named our Convo.
'Guys do fish pee?' Ranger asked looking concerned.
"What kind of question is that?"
"I mean, I'm just saying—if they do pee, doesn't that mean they're swimming in a giant sea of pee? And that's why sea water is salty?"
Ranger explained, my jaw dropped.
"Oh my gosh... the sea is fish pee? How do you explain the waves then? Is it fish farts?"
"You ever see a fish fart before? I don't think it's that—although that would make sense-- but it's not like all fish fart in unison to create the giant waves"
He paused for dramatic effect.
"The truth is simple. There's waves because it's premium, duh."
"What--so you mean we've been enjoying premium goods for free? This whole time?"
"Maybe it's the mafia". Ranger added, his face dead serious.
I rolled my eyes
"You were just dying to say that huh"
My phone suddenly rang.
Shit that scared me.
I stared at it like it had offended me.
"Also, who the hell calls in the middle of a live?"
"Maybe it's the mafia"
Ranger mocked.
I rolled my eyes, picked up and heard Ava's voice.
"Emily it's a code red, I repeat it's a code red".
I looked at Ranger who started at me mischievously, like he hoped it was actually the mafia.
"Dude, it's Ava.
Code red".
Ranger immediately turned serious.
"What's the plan?"
Okay I get that you might be lost.
But basically "code red" is what Ava and most of my friends call "trouble in paradise" or in Ava's case
Save me from my shady and shitty date before I probably get kidnapped or something.
The live went crazy. Comments exploding
-what is going on?
-can we tag along.
-this is part of the stream right??
I immediately drafted the most dramatic game plan. The one thing that can get a CRAZY away from my hot sister was the sudden death of a relative--a.k.a me.
It wasn't gonna be the first time I'd faked my death. Just the most creative yet.
I know right--Metro man ain't got nothing on me.
I looked at Ranger–"lets go to your sister's hospital--i have an awesome plan".
"Uhm o--kay?" Extremely suspicious.
Ranger dialed his sister and we drove off in his car, live still ongoing and more comments flooding in.
-What is going on?
-Nice car, ma guy
-The brownies?😭
-Well looks like the house will burn down now
-Who's Ava?
-Emily please date mee
Within minutes we were at HG hospital.
Renowned for top tier medical assistance and treating incurable diseases. It was peak for anyone who believes they're on the verge of death.
Complete with flying nurses, crystal IV drips and telepathic communication.
I'm pretty sure the doctors just snap their fingers and people fall out of comas.
A very high aura based hospital. Which we used solely for our shenanigans.
Oh the sweet sweet perks of being a VVIP
Sasha's assistant,a nurse-- rushed to us and led us to a really nice hospital room. Then I explained the plan.
It was simple
Accident
Coma
Urgent
i think she got it cus next thing I know
The nurse wrapped me up in bandages like she was auditioning for an Egyptian mummy remake.
Meanwhile, Ranger was busy hacking the hospital monitor and somehow–somehow–got it to beep like I was clinging to life.
"I'm scared of how good you are at this," I muttered.
He shushed me. "Dead girls don't talk."
"I'm not dead yet you moron".I hissed.
Then he pulled out his phone and called Ava, putting on the fakest emotional breakdown I've ever witnessed in my life.
"Ava it's Em, we were in an accident and she's… she's not waking up," he whispered all dramatic. "You need to come to my sister's hospital. Now."
Oscar-worthy.
Like give this boy his award.
Not even ten minutes later, Ava stormed into the hospital room like a woman possessed–full glam, crocodile tears, and heels that screamed "I'm grieving but still hot."
She dropped into a chair next to my bed dramatically and grabbed my hand.
I lay there, stone cold still.
Emotionless.
Gorgeous.
Possibly dead.
Definitely slaying.
I had the sudden urge to scratch my nose, but my conscience shut me up
Bitch almost dead people don't scratch their noses, also you were just in an accident.
Sell it!
Ranger hit the fake flatline sound.
The heart monitor went beeeeeeeeeep.
Ava sobbed harder, like she was mourning the end of her girls yoga retreat.
And the guy?
The guy?
The reason we staged this whole unhinged hospital drama?
He stood frozen.
Mouth open.
Eyes wide.
Regretting every life decision that brought him to this moment.
Then Ava leaned in close, voice low and creepy.
"There's something… in our family," she whispered. "It passes from sister to sister. A curse. That's why we never live long and if we marry anyone all the females in their family will die too"
That was so over the top
The man backed away like he just heard we were born under a cult.
Then?
He sprinted.
The flash would've been slower.
The door shut and a loud silence filled the room
Then all hell broke loose.
Me, Ava, and Ranger laughed so hard I almost undied.
And yes.
It was all on live.
Over 500k viewers.
Comments going wild.
-IS SHE DEAD???"
-Bro this is why I don't date girls with siblings.
-Tell me why this better than any show I've seen in my whole life
-dang that's Ava?She's deff a ten
Ava wiped her fake tears, her fake lashes falling off. "I can't believe he actually ran."
"I can't believe I committed fake medical fraud on camera," I said, still wrapped like a trauma burrito.
Ranger wiped a tear.
"That guy is so done with any dating sites like for real".
The nurse came in a while after and took off my bandages Ranger drove us home.
Luckily the plan didn't take that long so our brownies were fine.
Well sort of fine.
Ava took a shower and set up a movie night for us–As Ranger and I finally brought out what we'd baked.
I was excited to see our hardwork until I pulled it out of the oven.
"What the fuck is this?' I settled it in the table.
Ranger looked on in horror.
I frowned,"Ranger? You do know the whole point of naming them brownies, is because they're brown right? So let me ask you this mister Steele.
Did you, or did you not put the chocolate in the mix?".
Ranger fell silent.
"Uhmm–i totally did".
"You lying piece of–
–Hey it's not my fault they're white, you were here too".
"So what. You want me to accept that there was chocolate in it and it turned out white?"
"These aren't even brownies anymore
They're white
They're whities"
Ranger held back a laugh.
It's not funny, I said trying to hold back my own laughter.
"Whities"
We burst into laughter and looked at the camera.
"Well guys looks like today we failed at creating the brownies but we did invent a new pastry". I said trying real hard not to choke on laughter.
"Yeah they're a premium set of brownies that are exclusive only to us, they're.... whities"
Ranger laughed so hard falling on the counter.
The comments came in floods
-whities ahhhh
-why would you name it that?
-I remember commenting that you didn't put chocolate in it
-hahaha whities
-So you'd call it blueies if it was blue?
-How's it taste?
I broke off a piece, took a bite and instantly started reconsidering our friendship.
My face stiffened
"What? What's with the look? Does it taste bad?" Ranger asked.
"No, it tastes like something you'd make actually" I said.
"Something I'd make? What does that even mean?" He asked breaking off a piece.
"It tastes like nothingness. Do you know what nothingness tastes like? it tastes exactly like this shit".
He tasted and instantly spit it out.
"Well that sucked, okay guys here's the thing--never ever take our advice when we hit the kitchen ever again".
"And just for the record, this is all Ranger's fault". I added
"What? How's it my fault, we--
I cut him off before he could rally all the female fans to his side
--okay guys that concludes today's baking expedition, I'm gonna end the live before all the girls start rooting for Ranger.
Bye guys, join us next time"
I end the live
"That was so unfair" he glared.
"Yeah well I'm tired okay"I said walking to sit by Ava.
I sighed and threw myself on her lap
"What a night" I mumbled.
"Tell me about it"Ava yawned and stretched.
Ding
Ding
Ranger's phone flashed and he read a message.
"Well looks like I gotta bounce, bro's in from Korea".
"Huh? You mean your half brother?" I ask my head still on Ava's lap.
"Yeah and mom wants us to meet him at the airport, cool, I missed him anyway"Ranger said and his fingers flew over the phone screen.
"I'm out, see ya later" He pecks mine and Ava's foreheads then steps out.
Minutes late I hear his car drive off and I continue the movie with Ava. After a while I slowly drift into sleep happy how the day concluded.
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