It's been two weeks since the results came out. I thought I'd be fine by now. But no. I've changed a lot…
From my appearance to my mindset, everything got worse. I ate like crazy when I was practicing for the high school entrance. Not because I was hungry, but because it is the only way to get rid of stress and anxiety for me at that time. The disappointment, the exhaustion, the uselessness after getting the results are even worse. After that, I ate cookies, drank coffee, chugged Red Bull, had midnight snacks. Days on repeat like that. My stomach was like a bottomless pit, and my emotions? A tornado trapped in a teacup.
Looking at my belly, my face... I felt like I left myself behind and just burried it into sadness and negative thoughts. Heavy body, heavier heart. I wasn't me anymore. I could barely recognize the girl in the mirror, the one with tired eyes, bloated cheeks, and chocolate stains on her shirt.
My family? Ughh. All they cared about was what school I'd go to, which class, what next. No one asked if I was tired. If I was happy. If I could even handle all this pressure.
Except my older brother. He and his wife sent me a bunch of new clothes. Hoodies, jeans, even a pair of sneakers I'd once mentioned in passing. That night, for the first time in days, I looked in the mirror. Ugly. Miserable. But in that exact moment, I asked myself:
"You wanna keep living like this?"
I decided to change. Not for anyone else. Just for me.
I went online and searched for healthy weight loss tips. Wrote down all the stuff to avoid: coffee, sweets, energy drinks. Started working out followed by those videos on Youtube that Yazid introduced. Tried meditating for once.
Nothing huge. But at least I wasn't lying around like a dead rock anymore.
I know there'll be more rough days. Days I'll wanna hide in my room and snack the sadness away. But the difference now? I know I have the power to change.
I don't need anyone to understand. As long as I don't abandon myself, that's enough.
Finally, Shin got his the entire shool year results.He sent it to me. He said everything was fine, except Math. Oh my god, to him, Math is basically a dragon disguised as a test paper.
"Math is like a dragon breathing fire right into my face," he texted, along with a burned-to-a-crisp emoji.
I nearly choked on my water laughing.
"At least you survived. Didn't get roasted into a meat skewer," I replied.
"I survived, but my dignity didn't," he shot back. I could totally picture his exaggerated drama face.
"Should we host a funeral for your dignity? I'll bring flowers," I teased.
"Only if you sing a sad ballad in the background."
"Done. I'll cry dramatically too."
He sent a crying-laughing emoji. Then I said gently, "I'm really proud of you, okay? Don't be sad."
Then Shin sent this entire essay back. I'm not joking, it was like a mini novel:
"I know you understand me."
"Since you're always there for me, I'll always be there for you."
"I'm trying, trying, trying because of you."
My heart legit combusted. Suddenly, all those salad-eating days felt worth it.
We've been talking more. Not just the surface-level stuff. One evening, he messaged:
"Lola, I miss you. Can we call?"
I almost choked on my whole wheat bread. Shin asking to call? Shin, the shyest guy alive, saying that out loud like he's in some romantic movie? Did the sky fall?
He's the type who never shows his face. I'd ask for a photo and all I'd get is the back of his head or a blurry cap shot. But now he wanted to FaceTime? Girl, I hit that accept button so fast.
At first, we just stared at each other like statues. A bit awkward, eyes locking, hearts pounding. I smiled, he smiled. Then silence. Then smiled again. Silence.
"Your face is so round," he said.
"And yours is like a plain bao bun with no filling," I shot back.
"Wait, so you're saying I look cute?"
"No, I'm saying you look empty. Like a soulless dumpling," I said, laughing my head off.
"Stop laughing, your teeth are sparkling. I'm going blind," he fake-complained.
"Then wear sunglasses, Mr. Dramatic."
"Only if you wear a paper bag on your head," he grinned.
"Excuse you? This face is top-tier, okay? Vogue's next cover girl."
"More like Meme of the Year," he snorted.
We were laughing so much our faces turned red. Then he leaned closer to the camera and whispered:
"Hey... do you ever just look at me and wonder how you got so lucky?"
I blinked. "What? You're the lucky one, dumpling head."
"Yes definitely. Pretty sure I'm dating an angel who is really cute. I want her to stop calling her fat and ugly so bad. Actually, you already lose 5 kilograms, didn't you? Please stop that love."
Then suddenly screen went black. Shin hung up.
I think maybe in Qatar the Wi-Fi got shark attacked. Then a message popped up:
"My little brother came into the room."
I really wanted to call back. But then he texted:
"I'm sleepy. Gonna sleep now."
And then… silence. No seen. No reply. No online.
I hugged my phone like a psycho. But honestly, it was 3AM in Qatar anyway… so yeah, let him sleep.
I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling again. The room was dark, the kind of quiet that made your thoughts louder.
Why did hearing his voice make everything feel a bit less heavy? Why did his silly dumpling jokes make me want to laugh everytime? I would say he is my comfort zone. I don't know if I am too to him?
Maybe because it reminded me I wasn't alone. Even if he was far away, in another timezone, dealing with his own dragons and he was still there. Showing up in little ways. Calling. Texting. Saying things he didn't need to say, but chose to.
I held the phone tighter. Maybe tomorrow he'll message again. Maybe he won't. But tonight, I felt okay.