My relationship with Chen back in highschool only lasted three weeks, and he already started showing disinterest in one. Back to the present day— it's been a month since me and Jiahao has started dating. We were barely able to make time for each other due to work, only talking briefly at least twice or thrice a week whenever we passed by each other inside the company building. Despite that, I could see how devoted and loyal he was to me in spite of my lack of interest towards him. However we did sometimes go on dates when we were both free, and tonight is one of those times.
Right now, I'm on a date with Jiahao in an Italian restaurant. I picked the most common meal to eat, because I don't really go to fancy restaurants like these often.
"Fei... Is it alright ask you something?"
Here it is. He's definitely going to ask if we can break up.
"Did you accept my confession because I'm your higher-up?" He looks at me with a frown, which makes me feel a bit sorry for him. He sets his utensils down to his plate, and he looks at me seriously. "You don't have to force yourself. Please, can you be honest?" Jiahao looks at me determinedly.
He really is an earnest man. A pang of guilt strikes my heart like prickling needles, making me feel remorseful. I really don't deserve his affection. He shouldn't have picked me to be the one he liked.
"Before I answer that... Can I ask a question?" I set my fork down at the side of my plate, and I look at him with a straight-face.
"Go ahead." He replies gently.
"Why did you pick me?"
Jiahao looks at me completely confused. "What? What do you mean?" He looks at me flabbergasted, not understanding my question.
"You picked me to fall in love with." I reply in a grimly tone. He nervously chuckles before answering me.
"...You don't pick who you fall in love with." Jiahao scratches the back of his head with a bewildered expression.
Huh? Am I the weird one here again?
"You don't... Choose?"
"Yeh. Wait- what do you even mean? Do you pick who to fall in love with?"
I'm petrified. I don't know what I just said either. Isn't picking who to love the most common way to love?
"I'm sorry. Please ignore my words." I bow my head slightly, asking for forgiveness.
"...How many people have you loved before?" Jiahao asks with a curious look on his face.
"I don't know... None?" My voice shakes a bit as I answer.
He sighs, as if suddenly understanding something. Jiahao blinks and composes himself before talking.
"Are you perhaps aromantic?" He puts his hands on the table, looking at me with a neutral expression.
"What? What's that?" My body stiffens. I've heard of the term before, but never really bothered to know what it means.
"Someone who doesn't feel romantic attraction." He takes a sip of wine, studying my face to see my reaction.
"...I don't know." I sigh silently. But somehow, the term resonated with me. My hands shake, feeling as if I finally found the right term with this long-term dilemma.
After a few moments of silence, we gradually finished our meal. Later on, Jiahao starts to talk with a gentle voice. He leans in from his chair slightly, but still keeping a respectful distance.
"I didn't pick you to fall in love with. It's that I've steadily come to realize that you're captivating, true to yourself, honest, and hardworking." Jiahao looks at me with a genuine smile, his eyes lovestruck as he makes eye contact.
With a slight pause, he continues; "I didn't observe you because I wanted to, you were just always in my peripheral vision. Bit by bit, I've come to love your presence, even feeling sentimental with the documents you pass onto me."
He slowly reaches out for my hand, holding onto my fingers with a kindhearted touch.
"I may not know you personally, yes. But I still love you regardless."
I feel... Repulsed to say the least. Why does he love me so? It's frustrating. It's frustrating to know that I won't ever be able to fully return such genuine and authentic feelings. The way he looks at me with such longing yet I don't feel anything but guilt. It hurts... Something's prickling at my heart again. It's like I'm walking on a path full of thorns, deadly flowers intoxicating me with their unlovable scent. It makes me unable to breathe, I feel anxious.
My hand trembles as he holds it. My breath quickens, my heart racing not out of the flustered state most people in love would feel, but a person who's feeling dread. Jiahao quickly notices my panicked expression, immediately retreating his hand and putting it under the table.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have touched you without asking."
"... It's fine."
Jiahao looks at me with genuine concern. He feels responsible for how I'm feeling.
"If you're uncomfortable... We can end this. I... I really don't want you to force yourself." He stammers as he places a hand onto his own arm, trying to comfort himself.
"Is that fine with you...?" I ask with my head down.
"Yes." He says reluctantly.
"...Thank you."
After paying with him, we proceed to say our last goodbyes to one another. When I no longer saw him as he drove away, I look down on the ground with unshed tears.
"Aromantic..." I mutter under my breath. I walk home, looking up at the starry night sky as I do so. I stare blankly with my head tilted up, and when I arrived home— I lay down on my bed. I gaze at my ceiling with a deadpan expression, really just trying to process everything.
Suddenly, the word "aromantic" appears in my mind once more. I look it up on the internet, researching about it. It does... Kind of resonate with me. There seems to be a spectrum too.
So yearning for connection but being unable to reciprocate romantic love is normal... I could've never guessed. At least... I learned something from Jiahao. I owe him a lot.
With a newfound resolve, I find out that there's a group chat that includes people like me. They're an LGBT+ community that gathers around a specific bar near my company building, so I decided to introduce myself to them.
The next night after work, I walk to the bar. I stop right in front of the entrance contemplating if I should really go inside, but afte a while— I go in. The door chime rings loudly, and a staff looks towards my direction.
"Welcome!"
"Thank you..."
"Table for one I'm guessing?"
"Yes."
"Just sit by the bar! The bartender will be back in a minute."
After my slight interaction with the staff, I sit at the corner. I feel uneasy, not really knowing if I belong here.
"Fei?!" A familiar voice calls out from behind me. I turned around, and I see that it's Yunah. She immediately sits right beside me.
"Yunah? How are you." I say with a warm smile.
"I'm good! What about you?"
"Kind of..."
Yunah chuckles at my half-assed reply.
"Pfft- What's with that answer?"
"..." I look at her unamused.
The bartender goes towards our direction, and Yunah immediately orders. The bartender acts swift, readying our order in a jiffy with a bit of bottle tricks and gimmick. Because Yunah ordered two drinks, she gives one glass to me.
"You sure?" I ask reluctantly.
"Yup! My treat." She says with a wide grin.
I take a sip, meanwhile she takes an entire shot. She unhurriedly turns her face to look at me.
"So... What brings you here?" She asks curiously.
"I just wanted to make new friends..."
"Then why are you sitting in the corner?! The friendly people are all over there!"
Suddenly, she grabs my arm, dragging me towards her friends on the other side of the bar.
"Guys! We have a new friend!" Yunah shouts towards everyone sitting by the table. They all look towards our direction, and they smile in a welcoming way.
"We haven't had any new people coming in a while, so welcome!" A woman with lots of piercings say.
"I'm Fei... Nice to meet you all." I slowly lowers my head, greeting them politely.
Yunah sees me being all stiff, so she pats my back reassuringly and turns back to her friends.
"Starting from the left, that's Rin, Xiang, Haobo, and Laoshi." Yunah introduces them to me, starting with Rin, the girl who has lots of piercings.
"I'm lesbian, and so is Yunah." Rin says with a smile.
"I'm a bisexual man." Laoshi states.
"And we're both gay." Xiang and Haobo adds.
"What about you?" Yunah asks curiously, looking towards my direction.
Since this is a nice-looking community, I should be accepted... Right?
"I don't know yet but I'm... Leaning towards aromantic."
"So, you're straight?" Rin remarks carelessly. Suddenly, Laoshi smacks the back of her head.
"Those are different things you idiot! You're going to hurt her feelings." Laoshi says with an annoyed voice. Rin sniffles jokingly with a feigned sadness.
"I was just joking Laoshi..." Rin tries to defend herself, rubbing the back of her head where she got smacked.
I laugh silently at the sight of this, relieved that Rin was just messing around.
"It's fine." I say with an amused smile.
Throughout the night, we just kept talking about trivial things. Not really getting into any personal details. I get to sit right beside Yunah the entire night, and she seemed to be taking care of me quite a lot.
She really does remind me of Xinyi.