The "Abandoned Mining District" turned out to be a scenic overlook with a really nice view and absolutely no mining equipment whatsoever. What it did have was his entire class waiting for him in matching fantasy outfits that probably cost more than his family's car.
But they weren't just standing around. Oh no. That would have been too simple.
The first thing Kenji noticed was Yamada making out with THREE different girls simultaneously while his legendary golden armor—which was literally glowing—somehow managed to not get in the way. His sword, which appeared to be on fire, was casually stuck in the ground next to him.
"Kenji!" Yamada called out between kisses, his voice muffled by Sakura's lips. "Glad you could make it, buddy!"
To Yamada's left, Tanaka was demonstrating his new Lightning Magic by creating a light show while two girls hung off his arms, giggling. His armor crackled with electric energy that formed heart shapes in the air.
"Oh my god, Tanaka-kun, you're so amazing!" squealed one of them.
"Show us the dragon summoning spell next!" demanded the other.
Meanwhile, Sato had apparently learned Duplication Magic and was literally dating himself—four copies of him were having what appeared to be a very intimate group conversation with five different girls. His armor was this impossibly intricate silver and blue ensemble that seemed to shift and change patterns as he moved.
"Why are you all here?" Kenji asked, his voice cracking slightly as he took in the scene. His classmates were arranged in a loose semicircle around what appeared to be a very deep hole in the ground, but they were all... busy.
Miyuki, who had never spoken to him before today, was now wearing what could only be described as battle lingerie—leather armor that provided maximum protection while revealing maximum skin—and was making out with two guys at once while a third braided flowers into her hair.
"Oh, Kenji-kun!" she giggled, pulling away from her admirers long enough to wave. "We wanted to see you off on your special mission!"
"My special mission to a mining district?"
The entire class burst into synchronized laughter, which was disturbing enough, but they also managed to keep their various romantic activities going during the laughter, which was somehow worse.
"Oh honey," Sakura said, gracefully extricating herself from Yamada's arms and floating—literally floating—over to Kenji in her pristine white mage robes that probably had built-in climate control and a premium spa package. "There's no mining district."
She gestured elegantly, and her staff—which appeared to be made of crystallized starlight—created a shower of rose petals that fell around her. Three different boys immediately rushed to catch the petals like they were precious artifacts.
"So where am I actually going?" Kenji asked, though he was starting to get a very bad feeling about this.
"Down there!" Tanaka pointed cheerfully at the hole while simultaneously casting what appeared to be a meteor summoning spell just for show. "It's a dungeon prison! For criminals and people who are, you know..."
"Useless!" the class chorused in perfect harmony, and somehow this was timed with a magical light show that made the word "USELESS" appear in glittering letters above Kenji's head.
"We felt really bad about it," added Sato—all four copies of him—while his current girlfriends massaged his shoulders. "But the king explained that every hero group needs a sacrifice to build character!"
"A sacrifice?" Kenji's voice went up an octave.
"Don't think of it as betrayal," Yamada said, approaching with his arms around two different girls who were apparently fighting over who got to polish his armor. "Think of it as... selective team optimization!"
"Plus," Miyuki added, doing some kind of acrobatic flip that showed off both her combat skills and her ridiculous armor, "we need someone to tell our story! And you can't tell a heroic story without a tragic sacrifice!"
"We'll make sure everyone back home knows you died heroically!" Sakura said, creating an illusion of Kenji dying dramatically in slow motion while orchestral music played from nowhere.
"I'm not dead!"
"Yet!" the class chorused in unison, and this time the word appeared in flaming letters above the hole.
"Look, Kenji," Yamada continued, and for a moment his voice almost sounded genuine as his entourage of admirers gazed at him adoringly. "We're really sorry, but your skill is just... I mean, what does 'Minor Environmental Adjustment' even do? Make rooms slightly more comfortable?"
"Meanwhile," Tanaka interrupted, showing off by summoning a small dragon that perched on his shoulder and nuzzled his cheek while his girlfriends squealed in delight, "I can literally call down the power of storms!"
"And I can heal any wound!" Sakura demonstrated by giving herself a small cut, then healing it instantly while golden light swirled around her. "Plus, I can purify evil and communicate with angels!"
"I can create perfect copies of myself!" Sato announced, and suddenly there were eight of him, each with a different girlfriend. "Imagine the tactical applications!"
"I can turn invisible and move through shadows!" Miyuki vanished, then reappeared behind Kenji, somehow managing to be even more dramatically lit than before. "I'm basically a one-person army!"
"I don't know what my power does yet!" Kenji protested. "That's what I'm trying to figure out!"
"Well," Miyuki said brightly, executing another impossible acrobatic move while two boys fought over who got to catch her, "you'll have plenty of time to figure it out down there! Think of it as a learning experience!"
"In a prison?"
"In a prison!"
"Also," Sakura added with devastating casualness, "we should mention that we're all dating each other now."
"What?"
"Oh yeah," Yamada said, as if this was completely normal. "Turns out getting awesome powers and legendary equipment makes everyone super attractive. We're all basically in one big polyamorous relationship now."
"It's very modern," Miyuki added, somehow managing to kiss three different people at once.
"Very progressive," agreed Tanaka, while his dragon created heart-shaped smoke rings.
"The king said it would boost team morale," Sato explained, and all eight copies of him nodded in agreement.
Kenji stared at them in horror. "You're all... dating... each other?"
"Well, not ALL of us," Sakura said gently, floating down to pat his cheek with fake sympathy. "I mean, you don't have powers or equipment or... you know... anything really."
"No offense!" Miyuki called cheerfully while being dipped dramatically by someone whose name Kenji had forgotten.
"Lots of offense taken," Kenji muttered.
"But hey!" Yamada said with aggressive cheerfulness, "Maybe you'll find someone special in prison! Like a nice rat! Or a friendly mold!"
The class erupted in laughter again, and this time actual musical accompaniment appeared out of nowhere—a full orchestra of summoned spirits playing what sounded like a victory march mixed with a funeral dirge.
And with that, they all began moving toward him with the coordinated precision of a professional dance troupe. Yamada's flame sword left trailing fire hearts in the air. Sakura's staff created a shower of blessing petals that somehow managed to smell like victory and impending doom. Tanaka's lightning formed the shape of tiny celebrating figures. Sato's eight copies moved in perfect synchronization. Miyuki seemed to be everywhere at once.
"Wait, wait!" Kenji backed toward the hole. "Can't we talk about this? Maybe I could be like a mascot! Or a camp cook! I make decent instant ramen!"
"Oh, Kenji," Sakura said with genuine pity in her voice, "instant ramen isn't going to defeat the Demon Lord."
"Besides," Yamada added, casually hefting his legendary sword, "the king made it very clear—every hero's journey needs a sacrifice. And well..." He gestured at himself, his glowing armor, his adoring fans, and his obvious protagonist energy. "It's pretty clear who the main character is here."
"And it's definitely not you!" The class sang in harmony because, apparently, they'd had time to rehearse this.
Before Kenji could respond, they all shoved him toward the hole—not violently, but with the casual efficiency of people disposing of an unwanted piece of furniture. As he tumbled into the abyss, he could hear:
"Sorry, bro, but you're holding back the team!" from Yamada.
"Don't forget to write!" from Sakura.
"Try not to die immediately!" from Miyuki.
"Actually, do die immediately; it'll make a better story!" from Tanaka.
"We'll name a sandwich after you!" from all eight Satos.
The last thing Kenji heard before hitting what felt like seventeen different stone ledges was his classmates arguing about whether to have their victory celebration at the fancy restaurant or the really fancy restaurant, and someone suggesting they should probably send flowers to his funeral.
Then everything went black, except for the lingering sound of what he was pretty sure was his former classmates having some kind of magical orgy celebration above him.
"I hate this world," he groaned into the darkness.