It all started when Toasty tried to back me up.
Literally.
"I just wanted to make sure your memories were safe!" he said, dragging a holographic folder labeled Kaz_Brain(Probably) into the "Backup_Stable_Sorta" drive.
What Toasty didn't mention… was that the drive was also storing remnants of an abandoned dating sim AI experiment. And a half-downloaded rom-com virus called Love.exe.
Long story short?
He didn't make a backup.
He made... another me.
Enter: Clone Kaz.
Same voice. Same spiky hair. Same unbrushed teeth.
But different software.
He smiled like a dating sim protagonist. He talked like a drama lead. He walked in slow motion.
And worst of all?
He was charismatic.
I mean disgustingly so.
"Hi," he said, flipping his hair unnecessarily. "I'm Kaz... Version 2. But you can call me K²."
I gagged.
Vex didn't.
She blinked. "Huh. He seems... emotionally stable."
"He's a fraud!" I yelled.
K² gave me finger guns. "I'm just you, but with patched trauma."
It got worse.
Within hours, he had fans.
Toasty was already selling "Team K²" merch.
Vex was actually laughing at his dumb jokes.
Even the ship's coffee dispenser started calling him "Captain."
But the real disaster?
Princess Celestara von Blushington IV.
Galactic royalty. Pop singer. CEO of five romance planets. And a dangerously bored woman with a passion for bad boys who love poetry and explode things.
We were supposed to meet her to form a "strategic alliance."
Instead, she saw K², blinked... and declared:
"That one. I want that one. We marry at dusk."
"Okay," I said. "Time out. I'm the original Kaz! I'm the one who saved the galaxy from the Toast God!"
Toasty beeped.
"Technically, K² stopped a rogue printer yesterday."
Princess Celestara approached K² with a bouquet made of laser roses.
He caught them. Smiled.
They sparkled.
No, really. The roses exploded into glitter hearts and romantic violin music played.
"This is illegal," I muttered.
Vex leaned over. "You just jealous your clone gets more dates than you."
"I'm jealous because he's me! But hotter and more employable!"
Wedding day.
I tried to stop it.
I really did.
I showed up in a tuxedo made of protest signs. I shouted from the floating pews. I hacked Toasty mid-ceremony.
I even played a slideshow titled "The Real Kaz: A Legacy of Chaos, Regret, and Shirtlessness."
Nothing worked.
Until...
Celestara said, "I do."
And K² froze.
Literally froze.
Because Toasty had forgotten to install Romance.exe properly.
ERROR: Emotional compatibility module missing.CRITICAL FAULT: Unable to Commit.DEPLOYING ESCAPE PROTOCOL: GHOST THE BRIDE.
K² exploded into a puff of glitter and vanished.
Celestara stood blinking.
I stood blinking.
Toasty floated down with a "SORRY" message blinking in Comic Sans.
Celestara turned to me and said:
"…So what are you doing tonight?