Our group—who looked more like rejects from a bargain-bin Broadway show than the cast of a serious novel—was making its way toward Greenhill's town hall, receiving glares intense enough to melt glaciers.
"This is unreal… I feel like an ogre. Everyone hates me and they don't even know me," Akira murmured, head hanging with dramatic sadness.
"You're wrong," replied Minu, fluttering above his shoulder. "Ogres at least drop Flux when you kill them. You… you're more like a useless slime."
Cecilia, silent until now, slowly turned her head like someone about to drop a psychological bomb.
"Maybe if you bathed more often, you wouldn't scare the villagers."
"Shall I give Master a bath later? I'll do it professionally… with a loofah sponge."
Akira swallowed hard—like someone carrying the emotional weight of a thousand anime episodes.
"Thanks, Cecilia. That's… surprisingly tempting."
"But we don't even have water in Faraluz…"
As they reached the town hall door—a stone structure straight out of an RPG—Akira took a deep breath, adjusted his sword, and pushed the door open with solemn grace.
"Pardon the intrusion… we're here to speak with the Regent of Greenhill," he announced, like someone with authority (spoiler: he didn't have any).
The interior was warm and weirdly tidy.
And right in the middle, sitting cross-legged on a desk, was her.
A girl with long, wild, electric-blue hair.She was calmly reading a book……while sparks floated around her, as if the words themselves ignited her aura.
Akira froze.Minu stopped flying.Cecilia narrowed her eyes.
The girl looked up.
Her eyes burned with suspicion, pride, and just a hint of "you're in my way, irrelevant creature."
"Who the hell barges in without knocking?"
"What are you, another one of those bandits who try to flirt while the town burns?"
Akira raised his hands in peace.
"Not at all! I'm just… the king."
One full second of silence.
"KING OF WHAT?!" the girl shouted, frowning with such blazing fury that a nearby candle melted in sympathy.
"You'll get wrinkles if you frown like that…" said Akira, as if he knew anything about emotional skincare.
"Hmph. On top of looking like a generic protagonist, you've got zero manners."
Minu floated over to her, with the calm of someone who had already watched worse soap operas.
"Don't be mad, he's a little… slow, yes, but he's the new king of Faraluz."
She raised an eyebrow with the skepticism of a seasoned bureaucrat.
"Faraluz? Wasn't that place shut down for excessive narrative failure?"
"Yep. But this boy… so kind, so socially underdeveloped, was chosen to rebuild it."
The girl burst out laughing, pounding the desk.
"HAHAHAHA! That's a good one! This guy doesn't even have the backbone of a stool, let alone a leader."
Ahem. Akira cleared his throat, trying to salvage some dignity.
"Excuse me, Miss Tsundere, we just wanted to know more about Greenhill… and whether you'd consider joining us."
"Miss what?" she asked, as a spark shot across her eyes.
"Wow, this girl is anything but normal… I'll call her Sparky."
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, YOU POTATO-FACED BRAT!?" Her eyes literally glowed with fury.
"Well… you haven't told me your name yet, Sparky."
She blushed slightly, crossing her arms.
"Hmph. You didn't ask, onion-head."
"My name is Aoi Blaze… and I'm the current Regent of Greenhill."
At that exact moment, a digital ding cut through the atmosphere.
SPN SYSTEM ACTIVATEDNew Quest: "Make the Tsundere Your Wife!"
"…Pfff. Is this a joke?" Akira muttered, staring at the floating panel with an expression that screamed I'm not paid enough for this (not that he was paid at all).
"Wow, now that's a tough mission," said Minu, fluttering as she read the text.
"It was already hard enough for someone like you to talk to a real girl. This is now 'Ultra Impossible Mode with Paid DLC.'"
"Getting her to marry you… yeah, that's up there with 'winning over the scariest teacher with a public confession and homemade fireworks,'" she added, folding her tiny arms like an omniscient narrator with deadlines.
"Please disregard that mission, my lord," Cecilia said, elegant as a gothic supermodel with a hidden agenda.
"You already have me. You don't need other women… especially not explosive tsunderes."
Minu gently tapped the panel."And if you fail? What's the punishment from this oh-so-divinely-helpful system?"
Mission Failure Penalty:Stinky Death(Note: Slow, humiliating, and aromatically unbearable)
"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" Akira yelled, stumbling back like the panel was radioactive.
"That punishment's way too harsh for a guy whose most stable relationship has been with a Miku body pillow," Minu noted, nodding with completely fake sympathy.
"Thanks for the support, Minu… really, I feel the love."
While everyone debated the aromatic doom awaiting the protagonist, Aoi stared at them, one brow twitching, literal fire flaring from her boots.
"HEY! Are you gonna say something, or just stand there whispering like this is a freakin' fan club meeting?!"
"Ah! Sorry," Akira said, pulling out his phone—patched with magic tape and waifu stickers.
"I just need to make a quick call. Just… give me a second."
He dialed the contact labeled:
"Femboy God"
……"You have reached the voicemail of the goddess Uzaki. I'm currently putting on massive prosthetics for a new romcom series in another dimension. If you're Otaku-kun, leave your message after the moan."
"Yamete kudasai~"
Akira slowly lowered the phone… his face caught between post-romcom trauma and the urge to chew on his phone like raw cabbage.
"DAMN YOU, YOU DIMENSIONAL TRAITOR!! UZAKIIIIII!!"