I can't help but think about tomorrow. I think about all the times I walked by that store, I think about those weekly visits to the local farmers market, and have to wonder - what's waiting for me? A tomorrow may as well be a privilege to many, and it also may be a pain just as much. Because really, even the present sometimes feels muted - a weight on one's back.
I continue to ponder on as I walk back home from work, it's been one hell of a day - and all that mental stress has wrung me out to the point that I can't help but ponder more into what I am already doing in my life. Is all of this really worth it? Should I think of changing up certain things? Or will that be too big of a change?
...
I look at the streetlights, shining down on a path, always there - ever present.
Once I reach the front door of my residence, I go through my jacket pocket and take out my keys. Sighing as I open the door and close it, I look around the hall and bask in the silence. Basking or just letting it sink in? I don't know at this point.
I walk to the kitchen and place the bags down on the island, walking back to my bedroom from there, I let myself be guided with this familiar routine. Maybe out of comfort I suppose, or maybe because I fear change - perhaps I'm just tired.
Sitting on my bed, I stare at the clock. Tick tock tick tock.
I feel something sliding down my face- a tear. Am I crying? I think. Why? Isn't my life perfect? Isn't this what I wanted to be? Wealthy, living by myself, well-settled, what's happening?
Is it really okay to cry like this for something I already had, and for something I do have? Is remorse really the right way to go about with this?
I let the tears silently fall as my own thoughts start to spiral. All those years of carrying the same routine, greeting the same people, and yet being afraid of what tomorrow may bring. Because in the end that's what it is - and will always be —
Loneliness.