It was a slip. A freaking slip. On shampoo.
My last memory was my leg flying up, my back crashing down, and my skull making friends with the toilet seat. Boom. Darkness. End of my brilliant life—gone, just like that. No heroic sacrifice. No evil empire defeated. Just a damp bathroom and a cracked neck.
And then... I woke up.
But not in a hospital bed or on a stretcher. No. I woke up in silk sheets, with the scent of incense and rose petals in the air. My first thought?
Did I reincarnate into a damn brothel?
"Young Master! Young Master Xian! Please, wake up!"
A panicked voice broke through my foggy thoughts. I blinked a few times, the world tilting into focus. A gorgeous girl with tearful eyes hovered over me. She looked no older than twenty, dressed in a revealing servant uniform with her long black hair tied back and her face... well, her face screamed 'I'm too pretty to be crying over someone useless.'
"Master Xian! Don't die! Please, not like this!"
I groaned.
"Alright, alright… I'm awake. You don't have to melt my ears."
She gasped and practically threw herself at me in joy. "You're alive! Heaven be praised! I thought... I thought you were dead!"
"Technically, I was," I muttered. "But it looks like someone upstairs gave me a second chance... again."
The girl froze, her expression switching from joy to confusion. "Young Master, your tone... you sound strange."
I sat up slowly, trying to process the flood of foreign memories surging into my head. My name? Li Xian. Born into the prestigious Li Clan, one of the Seven Noble Families of the Inner Provinces. Rich. Arrogant. Hated. Known more for bedding courtesans and causing public scandals than for actual cultivation.
Cause of death?
Slapped by a woman after being caught pants-down with her sister. He fell off a balcony.
I sighed.
"Wow. I really reincarnated into a human disappointment."
"Young Master...?"
"Nothing. Just... figuring out how many people probably want me dead."
The girl looked even more confused now. "I'll call for Physician Mu! Don't move!"
"Wait. Who are you, again?"
She blinked. "I-I'm Qing'er, your personal maid… and, uh, your dual cultivation partner."
Ah. Of course.
---
[System Notification]
> Dual Cultivation Physique Activated!
Body host: Li Xian
Status: Rebirth Complete
Cultivation Method: [Nine Heavens Dual Harmony Technique]
Special Traits:
Heaven-Grade Yang Physique
Libido Level: Absurd
Attraction Modifier: +500% (Women Only)
Recommendation: Please cultivate responsibly.
---
You've got to be kidding me.
I looked down. Yep, still naked under the sheets.
"Qing'er?"
"Y-Yes?"
"I'm going to need clothes, a sword, and a full report on which idiot I pissed off last."
She blushed and nodded furiously, turning away with her hands over her face.
"Also… send in whoever pushed me off the balcony. I'd like to return the favor."
---
A Few Hours Later…
Turns out, the original Li Xian was not just a playboy. He was a disaster in pants. Spoiled. Arrogant. Barely cultivated at all—even though his clan gave him access to priceless pills, manuals, and tutors. The only technique he mastered was "Heavenly Moonflower Bed Art", a dual cultivation manual rumored to make women addicted to the user.
Classy.
Also turns out, I now own a private courtyard with hot springs, ten servants, a golden bed, and more spiritual wine than I ever had cash back on Earth.
I could get used to this.
But then came the real problem.
"Young Master Xian," a cold voice called from outside my courtyard, "the Patriarch has summoned you. Now."
I recognized the voice. Li Feng. My older cousin. Strong. Stoic. And apparently the guy I slapped at yesterday's banquet over a minor insult.
Great. Family drama already.
"Tell the Patriarch I'm—"
"You will come now. Or we'll drag you."
Wow. Family and violence. They don't waste time here.
---
Fifteen Minutes Later – Li Clan Hall
The main hall of the Li Clan was lined with elders, guards, and one very grumpy old man sitting on a throne carved from white jade. This was Li Zhen, the current Patriarch. My new grandfather.
"You disgrace the Li name, boy!" he roared the moment I entered. "Fighting at a banquet? Using clan funds to purchase… inappropriate items from Pleasure Pavilion? Do you take our name for a joke?!"
I stood tall, adjusted my robe, and gave a slow, smug smirk.
"Of course not, Grandfather. I take it very seriously. That's why I've decided to change."
They all blinked.
Li Feng narrowed his eyes. "Change how?"
"I've come to the realization… that I've been wasting my potential. From now on, I'll cultivate seriously."
Silence.
Then laughter. From everyone.
I let it hang for a moment, then spoke again.
"And when I'm stronger than every one of you, I'll come back and decide which of you deserve to keep your teeth."
Gasps. Murmurs. A few jaws dropped.
Li Zhen slammed his hand down. "You dare—!"
"I dare a lot, Grandpa. I'm the reborn disappointment of the clan. And I plan to disappoint you all by succeeding."
Then I turned and walked out, leaving them stunned.
---
Back in My Courtyard
Qing'er rushed up. "How did it go?!"
I shrugged. "I either inspired them… or painted a target on my back."
She looked worried. "Will they hurt you?"
I grinned.
"They're welcome to try. But they'll soon learn one thing."
"What?"
"This world? It belongs to the strong. And I've got a second life, a broken cultivation system, and a bed that literally boosts my power every time I use it."
"Use it... how?"
I winked.
"Let's call it hands-on training."
---
Author's Note
Here we go! 😏 This is the beginning of a wild, sarcastic, and spicy cultivation ride. There will be action, dual cultivation scenes, comedy, plot twists, and more.
– ✍️ Kazuki Ren