"Anne! How have you been?" A shrill voice intrudes my ears. I turn to smile at Maddie, she's really not the worst, so there's no point in letting my frustration show around her.
"Oh, hi Maddie. I'm pretty much the same as always." I say through a small forced smile, I know when I smile, real or not, it makes me sound cheerier. More palatable. "How's you?"
"Oh don't be so negative." Maddie chides, "I'm sure if you faced each day with more of that lovely smile of yours things would feel much better."
Ah yes, because the smile I force onto my face most times I talk to people isn't enough apparently. If I just smiled more I'm sure my legs wouldn't feel like giving out after 10 minutes of using them. I let out a slow, controlled breath to stop myself from snapping. Being a bitch isn't going to make people like me anymore when I'm already a pain.
I smile again and lean into my crutches. "Thanks.." I say awkwardly despite trying to sound grateful. It's a bit hard to be grateful when everyone thinks a smile and some yoga will magically fix me. Calm. I need to be calm. "Well I am heading off for a walk today, gentle exercise in nature will surely help." I definitely sounded too sarcastic when I said that.
I turn to leave and as I do Maddie calls after me. "Enjoy your walk! It's such a shame your wolf can't go on a proper run though, keep at it so she can have fun too soon!"
A pang of anger and guilt run through me at the same time, I feel horrible that I can't run properly in my wolf form, she's desperate for a sense of freedom and between these stupid crutches that stabilise me just enough that I can get out of the house and these suffocating people in my pack I want that too.
But also I'm so angry, none of the wolves in my pack live in my body, do they? Do any of them have to plan every time they step out of the house meticulously, just so their pain is reduced enough so that they can breathe and have just enough energy to hobble home? Didn't think so. So not their fucking place to critise me.
My mind flip-flops between these feelings as I keep heading to the forest. I want to cry. I want to break things. To be fair I feel like that most days, but at least today I'm making it to the forest and I will have privacy to cry, and sticks to throw with all my strength. I can chuck rocks into the river and watch them plummet. Yes, that would be very satisfying. Drown the rocks and they can take my feelings with them.
My phone buzzes and I pull it out, mum is calling me. I answer it quickly and hold the phone to my ear. "Hi mum, what's up?"
"Where are you?" Her tone is bitingly harsh. Oh no.
"I'm going for that walk in the woods like I mentioned yesterday, remember?" She probably doesn't remember, was she even listening? She found me crying in my room, and it made her so worried and stressed, so when I calmed down I found her and said I'd go on a walk, saying it'd help. I think she was probably too busy watching TV to actually process what I was saying, now that I think about it. She probably needed to destress after seeing me upset.
I hear her sigh with annoyance. "Well the kitchen is a mess. I don't understand why you have the energy for a walk but not to clean up, there's flies in here now."
I bite my tongue trying to stay calm. Fuck. I'm so stupid, why am I being so selfish, trying to pull myself out of this depression? She's right the kitchen is a mess and instead of cleaning all our dishes and mopping the floors I selfishly decided to go on a fucking walk. "I'm sorry mum-"
"Don't say you're sorry if you're not going to fix it." she snaps. Breathe in, breathe out. Yes I'm a terrible person, but I need to smile, don't get frustrated with her even though it feels like most of the mess is hers.
"I'll get as much of it as I can sorted tomorrow, is that ok? I'm already at the forest." Smile. Sound a bit sad, so she knows you're sorry but you need to smile, keep the tone right, don't make her feel like a bad person just because you're tired and sensitive.
"It'll be better tomorrow, is that ok?" After a few seconds there's a click. She hung up. Great.
I shake my body out a bit, my brain is swirling with thoughts over and over; she's so mean. I'm so awful. Why am I not more considerate? I know she has had a hard time ending up as a mother to a disabled omega, and she has a stressful job helping the pack Alpha, but why doesn't she understand how much my body hurts? Wow I'm SO inconsiderate, I'm really not the only person in the world and I need to remember that.
I storm over to the river and throw my crutches at the ground. Stupid fucking crutches, stupid fucking body. Stupid, stupid me. I eye up a fat rock. I snatch it up, glare at it and throw it into the water. It plonks pretty satisfyingly against the water's surface. I grab another rock, this one has white lines going through it. I may be a terrible person who's too selfish due to her pain but fuck it. Right now I'm angry and not sad; anger feels more cathartic. I can admit I'm awful tonight. But right now I get to be mad.
"Asshole!" I yell as I toss it into the water, I see it crack into two halves against a boulder sticking out of the water. Weak ass rock.
The next rock is speckled, it gets the name bitch I've decided. I throw it as hard as I can as I yell its name.
"Inconsiderate fuck!" I scream as the rock named inconsiderate fuck pummels into the riverbed.
"Oh wow, that rock must have been a real nasty piece of work." A voice behind me calls. An unfamiliar voice. "What did it not hold open the door for you last week?"