A storm is raging inside me when he lifts me like I weigh nothing. Instinctively, I wrap my legs around his waist, hands threading behind his neck as our lips crash again, fierce and unyielding. It's far too late to pull away now, I've surrendered to the deep, aching pull in my chest. And truthfully, I don't think I ever want him to let me go.
I didn't even realize we were already inside until my back met the soft cushions, soft and yielding beneath me. I let out a breath, our clothes suddenly feeling too thick, too heavy, an aching barrier between us, overtaking the slight throb pressing against my temple. The heat beneath my skin overpowers it all, making me crave the bare and real warmth of him.
Just as he settled above me, his elbows framing my head, the pain came fast and sharp. I shut my eyes, wincing as a memory flared to life behind my closed eyes.
The wind slowly cooled the sweat clinging to our skin as we try to capture back our breaths. I turned onto my side to face him, watching him with quiet curiosity as his eyes gazed up the night sky, deep in thought.
It always feels like coming back down to the ground after a magical flight around the kingdom with Vala. There is always this calm sobriety that settled between us right after our lovemaking. I couldn't help but wonder now, what he could possibly be thinking about, now that his mind is no longer fogged up by his desire.
I reached up, about to run my fingers through his soft black hair when he stood, completely bare and unbothered by his nudity as he walked into our bedroom. He returned moments later with the blanket I usually curled up in during the day, and gently draped it over me. If there's one thing he truly enjoys, it's taking care of me.
"What are you thinking about?" I finally asked, as he slowly pulled me into a stand. He knew how much I couldn't really stand the cold.
Catching the way my knees quivered after what we just did, still a little disoriented, he flashed me a knowing grin that showcased his dimples. I reached up my finger and tap it, loving the way it made him blush. Me, a simple woman, making the King, known to be cruel among his subjects, blush.
"Let's get you inside first, I don't want you to freeze." he told me, gathering the clothes we discarded on the floor.
After all these years, it still surprises me that he is unfazed by the cold. Our room is literally situated on the highest floor, not only for our safety but also it's the easiest way his dragon, Vala, could come up to us without scaring his subjects, or his soldiers.
"I have to leave soon," he said as soon as we reached inside, placing the clothes on the sofa by the fire before closing the door leading to the terrace.
"How soon?"
"Tomorrow." he said it like a death sentence.
Normally I'm used to this, with him leaving for weeks, sometimes months on end, off to conquer another stretch of land that his parents used to own and more. It was always his dream to spread his kingdom, make it a great one just like his forefathers did. But there's something in the way he said it this time, that made me worry.
"What's wrong?" I asked, feeling my heart starting to pound increasingly loudly, threatening to plunge into the abyss. "You don't seem confident like you used to."
"I don't have a good feeling about this, it's too soon." he confessed, walking up to me, his hands going to my neck, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles on my cheeks. "But if I don't do it now, I fear we might not have another chance."
With the way he is looking at me, as if he is memorizing me for the last time, it unnerved me. I don't like it.
"Then don't go." I urged.
"It's now or never, Iris," he said, his voice low and thick with worry. "We may never get the chance to claim that land again."
"Is it that important to you?" I pressed, moving away from his hold and crossing my hands, causing his hands to fall to his sides.
"Yes, it is." he declared, as if it was final. As if I didn't matter. "It's my birthright, Iris. This is my duty, what I was born for. You know this when you married me."
"Surely there's a better way to do this. Blood does not have to be shed." I argued, crossing the distance to take his hands, only to be surprised that it was cold.
"We could try to negotiate," I suggested weakly.
"I don't want just a part of that land," he said flatly, determined. "I want to own it."
"What about me?" I demanded, my grip on his hand tightening like vice.
He didn't even flinch. His eyebrows just drew together in confusion. It hurts me to hurt him but by god, how I want to. For someone so powerful, he could be so fucking blind.
"Have you ever even consider what would happen to me, if you didn't make it back from one of your precious battles?"
"I don't lose." he said with barely a breath. He wasn't even sure if he could make it this time.
"Are you serious? That's your fucking answer?" I spat, chin high, voice shaking with fury. My hands curled into fists, merely a second away from slapping the shit out of this man.
He leaned in, eyes narrowing. "What do you want me to say?"
If I wasn't so mad, I would've kissed him senseless right now, and I hated it. I hate what he's doing this to me. I was strong. He made me weak.
I blinked away the tears that threatened to fall, and the nausea that threatened to rise. I gathered my wits and glared at my husband as I finally admit, "I'm pregnant."
Time stopped. He froze, stunned to silence like I've struck him.
I witnessed it all, the way his eyes had widened with realization at what this would mean. The horror in his eyes, when he took a step back. Just one step. Not a word, nor a fucking breath. Just a single step that made me wonder if it was out of fear or of disgust. It didn't matter. It had already felt like he had sliced his blade right through me and twisted. The chasm has truly cracked between us.
Pulling the blanket protectively around myself, I brushed past him. He didn't even try to stop me, despite how desperate I wished him to. Didn't even reach out, or said anything. He just stood there, still as a statue, like a fool.
I barely made it into the bathroom when I let the blanket fall behind me. I didn't care if I was naked. I can't hold it in any longer. Gripping the edge of the basin, I bent over and retched.
Without warning, I suddenly struggle to catch my breath, like a rubber band snapping the back of my mind. The earlier pain in my head has reduced into a dull ache as I was suddenly jolted back to the present.
It's like being suddenly plunged into cold water, the way my eyes had widened in shock and confusion, and yet not seeing anything but a foggy blur. I inhale as much air as I possibly can, gripping the hands that cradled me.
I close my eyes, not even realizing that my cheeks are wet from the tears I've cried until I feel hands rubbing them away. With my head still spinning, I lean against a hard chest, letting that familiar scent of fresh pines soothe my nerves. Feeling the calm pounding of a heart beating against my temple, I try to adjust mine to beat in sync with it.
Only when I feel our heartbeats finally aligning that I dared myself to open my eyes again and this time, my vision is clear, as if I've surface from underwater. I am sitting on his lap, facing the same fireplace I've seen in my earlier vision. Or was it a piece of my memory?
"Are you okay?" he asked, lovingly stroking my hair while I watch the flames dance.
Somehow I have a distinct feeling he loves doing this, especially knowing how much it calms me. This time, though, there's a sinking feeling in my gut that made me want to tear myself away from this man.
"What did you see?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper.
Lifting my head from his chest, I turn to find him eyeing me curiously, though there is something else lurking beneath it. Fear. I see it the way his dark eyes searches for mine, in the way his arms stay locked around me, holding me close like I might run if he lets me go.
There must be something in my memories that make him fear that I'll remember. Something that I could turn against him for.
So I forced a smile, hoping that he would be too relieved to notice that it didn't reach my eyes. "A happy memory. Us, kissing under the moonlight, like just now."
He studies my face, causing my breath to catch. He doesn't seem truly convinced.
I wrap my arms around his neck, pressing my lips to his cheek in an attempt to distract him from my trembling hands. He didn't seem to notice when I feel him relax, his shoulders hunching back down.
"You were right," I whispered into his ear, "we were really in love, weren't we?"
"So you believe me now?" he asked, still disbelieving.
I smiled, a real one this time. Sliding my leg over to his other side, I straddled him, slow and deliberate. I could already feel his desire stirring beneath me, large and prominent.
"Now I do," I replied, quashing down my fear and placing it elsewhere. I can do this. I'm not a maiden, clearly. I just have to listen to my body.
"Have I told you how beautiful you are?" he murmured, his dark eyes hooded with lust. And love.
I tried to ignore the ache blooming in my chest as his fingers traced my cheek. Does he actually believe me? Or is he just pretending, same as I am?
I guided his hand to my lips, pressing a soft kiss to the inside of his wrist, right where it could kill. I never break his eye contact even though I want to. I hope he doesn't see the fear in my eyes. Especially with the way he is gazing up at me right now...
"Are you sure about this?" he asked, his voice low.
"Yes," I breathed out. "I need you."
He nodded reverently, gazing up at me like a man in worship as I unbuttoned his jacket and let it fall behind me. Revealing my nightgown, soft and sheer, clinging to me in the firelight. I didn't wear anything underneath.
"I love you," he confessed like a sinner seeking for repentance.
So I leaned in and kissed him, slow and deep. His mouth tasted like need. Like a distant memory. Like a lie I wasn't ready to unravel...but a game I fully intended to play.
It could be worse. So much worse.
At least he's not some stranger claiming to be my husband.
At least now, I know he's really mine.
Especially with the way he dragged my nightgown from my shoulders and set his mouth on my skin, hungry, urgent and familiar.
All I have to do is to let myself enjoy this, for now. Because whatever game he's playing, whatever secrets he's keeping from me, I'm going to unravel them all.
Two can play this game.