"I'll have my license revoked for sure." Niko's fear was palpable, his thoughts
consumed with the possibility of losing everything he had worked so hard for.
"No, you won't." Lacy tried for reassurance, but it did little to ease Niko's
anxiety.
"What if he dies…." Niko's voice trailed off, the thought of losing this patient
almost about too much to bear, and he couldn't understand why.
"Then he dies." Lacy's words were like a dagger, piercing through Niko's
heart. He knew what she meant, and it only made the pain worse. Even though she
said it with a softness only he knew.
His HUD pinged, signaling the end of his momentary respite. "I'm being called
for debrief already."
"Get dry and go," Lacy said. "Just tell them exactly what you told me. You'll
be fine. I promise you."
Niko emerged from the shower, his body still shivering, but for a different
reason now. His mind was racing, and his heart was heavy. "I'll call you later."
"You better," Lacy said. "Love you."
Niko almost said it back. He almost let his guard down and opened up to her,
but he didn't. He wasn't ready to face those feelings, let alone share them with the
woman responsible for them.
When she severed the comms link, the enveloping silence that immediately
swallowed him wasn't just expected, it was haunting. "What the fuck is wrong
with me?" The raw vulnerability in his voice was palpable, as self-loathing and
terror coiled in the pit of his stomach, making it harder and harder for him to
breathe.
It was as if the universe itself had turned its back on him, leaving Niko in a
deafening void. Only the reverberating echoes of his own thoughts there for
comfort. "Why can't I just be enough for once?"
His mind supplied the painful answers. It was fear. A paralyzing fear of
opening himself up, of cherishing and losing, of watching everything he holds dear
crumble in a city that already teetered on the precipice of chaos.
Frantically trying to dry off, his trembling hands betrayed him, rendering even
this simple act an exercise in frustration. The sag of his uniform, once a proud
emblem of his medical role, now felt like the shackles of his own perceived
inadequacy. In an act of desperation, he pulled its cords taut, a symbolic yet futile
attempt to piece himself together. Wrapping up in the fleece, he sought refuge in
its embrace, but it was no match for the chilling onslaught of his spiraling thoughts.
Niko put his head in his hands and sighed. "Just a few more minutes, just a few."
He needed it to gather his thoughts, before he could face his team out there once
again.
Finally, he slipped into his boots, drawing on the last vestiges of his strength,
and with a heart laden with sorrow and tension, stepped out into the maelstrom awaiting him.