Chapter 5: The Pervert Sage, the Paperwork, and the Power Nap
[Adam Yukimura POV]
Tsunade, my delightful, wall-punching future wife, was not pleased to see me bounding back towards the ruined casino. Her eyes, if possible, narrowed even further, and I could practically see the steam rising from her head. Shizune, bless her perpetually stressed soul, looked like she was about to spontaneously combust from sheer exasperation.
"You!" Tsunade snarled, pointing a trembling finger at me. "How are you… you were just…!"
"Oh, that?" I said, waving a dismissive hand. "Just a minor setback! Happens all the time! You punch me through a wall, I get back up, stronger than ever! It's our thing, Tsunade! Our adorable little courtship ritual!"
She let out a frustrated growl that sounded suspiciously like a caged bear. "Get out of my sight! I'm warning you, I will not hesitate to do it again!"
"Oh, I'm counting on it, my love!" I beamed. "Because every time you do, I get a little piece of your amazing power! It's like you're giving me love-taps, only instead of flowers, you're giving me… well, the ability to punch really hard!"
Shizune finally spoke up, her voice a strained whisper. "Lord Tsunade, he's… he's just a civilian. Maybe you should… just ignore him."
"Ignore him?!" Tsunade roared, turning her fury on Shizune for a brief moment. "He just declared his intention to marry me in front of everyone, then let me punch him through a wall, and now he's talking about 'love-taps' and 'power'?! He's insane!"
"Technically, I am," I chimed in helpfully. "But I'm your insane, Tsunade. Don't forget that."
She slammed her fist onto the remains of the poker table, shattering what little was left of it. "That's it! I'm done! I'm leaving this godforsaken village and never gambling again!"
"Aww, don't say that, Tsunade!" I pleaded, following her as she stormed away, Shizune scurrying behind her like a nervous shadow. "Who will provide the dramatic exits if you're not around? And besides, you owe me a rematch! I haven't even tried out my new 'Basic Monstrous Strength' yet!"
She didn't dignify me with a response, just picked up her pace. I, of course, kept up, a persistent, annoying fly buzzing around her head. This was going to be fun. For me, anyway. Probably not so much for her. Or Shizune.
"So, Tsunade," I continued, undeterred, "since you're clearly accepting my proposal, where should we hold the wedding? Somewhere fancy? Or maybe a nice, intimate ceremony where you punch me through the altar? I'm flexible!"
She suddenly spun around, her eyes blazing. "You know what?! Fine! You want to talk about marriage?! You want to talk about love?! Then come with me! We're going to Konoha! And you can explain your 'courtship ritual' to Jiraiya! I'm sure he'll find it amusing!"
My eyes lit up. "Konoha?! Brilliant! A new audience for my romantic declarations! And Jiraiya! The pervert sage himself! He's practically a dating coach for insane people!"
And so, my bizarre, one-sided pursuit of Tsunade began in earnest. We traveled back to Konoha, a strange entourage consisting of a perpetually enraged Sannin, her long-suffering assistant, and a highly enthusiastic, incredibly annoying immortal who kept proposing marriage every five minutes.
Jiraiya, as promised, found my "courtship" utterly hilarious. He'd often give me terrible, perverted advice, which I, of course, ignored. "You gotta sneak up on her, kid! Maybe write her a love poem made out of ramen noodles! Girls love that!"
"Jiraiya, with all due respect, I'm pretty sure Tsunade would turn me into a human ramen noodle if I tried that," I'd reply, shaking my head. "My strategy is clearly superior: annoy her until she accidentally falls in love with me. It's a classic."
During this period, I made sure to get myself "accidentally" killed by Tsunade as often as possible. Before my system upgrade, I had to be careful not to get hit by her twice in a row, so I'd mix in other low-level deaths from bandits or particularly large, angry squirrels in between her "love taps." Each time, I'd pop back up, completely unharmed, and either thank her for the new skill or complain about the quality of the "death experience."
[ YOU HAVE BEEN KILLED BY: TSUNADE SENJU (UNIQUE DEATH!) ][ SKILL ACQUIRED: BASIC CHAKRA CONTROL (Passive) - A minor improvement in controlling the flow of chakra within your body. ][ DEATHS REMAINING (TSUNADE SENJU): 0 ]
"Basic Chakra Control! Excellent! Now I can probably, maybe, perhaps, walk on water without immediately sinking like a stone! Only slightly more useful than my bear hug, but still!"
[ YOU HAVE BEEN KILLED BY: TSUNADE SENJU (UNIQUE DEATH!) ][ SKILL ACQUIRED: BASIC MEDICAL NINJUTSU (Active) - A rudimentary understanding of basic healing techniques. ][ DEATHS REMAINING (TSUNADE SENJU): 0 ]
"Medical ninjutsu! Oh, this is fantastic! Now I can heal all the wounds I inflict on myself while trying to annoy you, Tsunade! It's a self-sustaining cycle of beautiful chaos!"
Shizune, poor Shizune, was a constant witness to my antics. She'd often be seen muttering to herself, pulling at her hair, and occasionally, throwing small, stress-induced fits.
"He's going to drive Lord Tsunade to an early grave!" she'd wail to Jiraiya.
"Don't worry, Shizune," Jiraiya would reply, a twinkle in his eye. "Adam's too much fun to get rid of. And besides, I think Tsunade's starting to enjoy the chase. In her own, violent way."
My relationship with Tsunade was a chaotic, one-sided masterclass in emotional warfare. I was the relentlessly cheerful, utterly shameless suitor, and she was the perpetually enraged, physically abusive love interest. It was glorious.
But the Chunin Exams were still on my mind. Specifically, the invasion. I had gained a skill from Orochimaru during that chaos, but I knew there was another valuable death to be had. Kabuto Yakushi. Orochimaru's right-hand man, a deceptively dangerous medical ninja.
The Sannin Showdown. That was my chance. When Orochimaru and Tsunade faced off, with Jiraiya caught in the middle, I knew I had to be there. I managed to "stumble" into the thick of it, just as Kabuto was trying to interfere.
I put on my best "terrified civilian caught in the crossfire" act, which, by this point, was practically Oscar-worthy. Kabuto, ever the cold, calculating professional, didn't hesitate. He saw me as a minor obstacle, a mere distraction. His chakra scalpel extended, and he lunged.
[ YOU HAVE BEEN KILLED BY: KABUTO YAKUSHI (UNIQUE DEATH!) ][ SKILL ACQUIRED: BASIC CHAKRA SCALPEL (Active) - The ability to form a small, precise blade of chakra for minor incisions. ][ DEATHS REMAINING (KABUTO YAKUSHI): 0 ]
I gasped, pushing myself up from the crater I'd just formed. "Basic Chakra Scalpel? Ooh, excellent! Now I can perform impromptu appendectomies! Or, you know, just really annoy people by giving them tiny, precise paper cuts."
The Sannin Showdown continued, but I wisely retreated. I had my prize. Another valuable skill, another unique death. My collection was growing.
[ CURRENT UNIQUE DEATHS: 30 ]
"Only 70 more deaths until my first upgrade!" I cheered to myself, high-fiving an imaginary friend. "I'm a third of the way there! This is going to be so much fun. For me. Everyone else is probably going to be incredibly annoyed."
With the Sannin Showdown concluded and Tsunade back in Konoha, reluctantly accepting the role of Hokage, my new stage was set. I had amassed a considerable fortune from my gambling exploits. I had acquired a decent number of unique deaths. And I had firmly established myself as Konoha's most eccentric, immortal, and utterly shameless civilian.
"Tsunade as Hokage," I mused, looking up at the Hokage Mountain, where her face would soon be carved. "Perfect. Now I can annoy her from the comfort of her own office. And she won't be able to punch me out of the village! Unless she wants to cause some serious property damage, of course. Which, knowing her, is entirely possible."
My mind was buzzing with plans. Pranks. More deaths. And, of course, the relentless pursuit of my future wife. This was going to be the life. A life of chaos, sarcasm, and strategic self-destruction.
"Alright, Konoha," I whispered, a mischievous glint in my eye. "Get ready for your new favorite resident. Because Adam Yukimura has arrived. And he's not going anywhere. Unless, of course, someone decides to kill him. Which, honestly, is probably the best way to get rid of him. Temporarily, at least."