I was hitting the gym.
"I'm leaving you." Cold.
It was so cold out today. The wind almost made me shiver, almost sneered away all my warmth in the dead of night, in the quiet of the stars.
The trees, the cars, the dazzling neon signs… why am I thinking about it all over again?
"Why?" Yet my voice betrayed all the fleeting emotions and remained rock solid.
"Why? Do you not get why? Do you seriously not get why?" I could still feel her gaze, her disgusted gaze bearing down on me.
After being in a relationship for seven years, we finally broke up yesterday. I thought I was over it.
I thought I no longer had feelings for her and this was the best way forward. Yet, I couldn't stop thinking about her, about us. To distract the feelings, I pushed myself extra hard.
Why can't I just….
I wasn't used to the gym. I had a membership and went every other month. At some point I wanted to cancel it but the process was so jarring, I ended up just keeping it, making up excuses like I'd eventually train or something.
I didn't.
Every muscle hurt. Even just taking a step felt like doing a million pushups. No, you haven't even done ten pushups.
Groaning to myself, it was time to make up my mind. Any more and I was probably going to fade. Alright, alright… let's go.
I started for my apartment. It was five minutes down the road. I desperately wanted to take a cab but didn't have the money. Bachelor life would do that to you.
Night but no stars. So much light around me, yet it was so… cold. It was so bright yesterday….
BEEP!!!
Huh? I screamed and turned, barely avoiding the car. "Are you blind!" I yelled; even yelling hurt. Fuck. I really shouldn't have pushed myself this bad.
The car vanished. It was going way too fast. The hell was that guy in a hurry for? Had his girlfriend also dumped him?
Heh, probably not.
HONK!!!
I'd already used almost all my strength, so I couldn't even look back. But given how everything came to a crawl as the world lit up in epic fiery flight… I suppose death was behind me.
Nope. Just a truck.
Fuck.
WHAMMM!!!
Fuck indeed.
***
Darkness, without any sound or feeling. Was this it? Death?
Huh?
I always thought death would be a bit more dramatic. Like time would slow, the pain would make me hurl, I'd curse and curse and stuff. But in the end, it was so… simple.
I just died.
Memories began to replay. How I was born. I didn't even remember half of them but now they were playing in my head. My childhood, the calm years, the chaotic years, meeting her, being friends and then going out. Our first night… god, I really spent majority of my life with her huh? No, that wasn't true but the small bits of time I spent with her mattered more than anything else. We first started talking when we were about ten. We became friends and stayed friends for five years before eventually committing. I was going to turn nineteen this year, so I suppose we were only in a relationship for less than half a decade but I was going to propose soon. I never got the chance. Even if I had proposed, nothing would have changed. She was gone, I was dead… It felt… forever without her… I felt empty. I knew these were nothing more than just chemical dependencies but… yet….
The playback didn't just stop there.
Instead, it played some other memories. Memories I didn't have any recollection of whatsoever. Heck, I wasn't even in them. Or so I thought at first but as I watched more and more, I began to suspect.
A rather odd feeling. Even though I'm dead…
There I was in a new house with new people yet why was everything so dull and lifeless? There was so much color in the world yet people were so… boring; no, I found them boring. This new childhood was also boring despite the magic and boundless possibilities. Trapped?
I was always alone, assuming the beholder was me. No friends, but I kept harassing the workers and particularly found myself wandering into the servants' quarters to 'accidentally' sneak a peek at the women changing. What a bastard. Yet I couldn't really fault the individual. Sure, doing what he was doing was scoundrel behavior but considering what he was going through and social status, most ordinary men would do much worse things. Or maybe they wouldn't, I sure didn't know.
Time sped up and he entered school and things were fine for a while. Until he started messing with people he shouldn't have and they used their authority to screw him over. Eventually he was expelled and died on the streets because his family didn't want anything to do with him. The memories were somewhat vague but I could understand the gist. Am I… this individual?
My other life maybe?
I didn't make it to nineteen in either life. If I had another life… could I?
No, I wouldn't remember, like I didn't remember in this one. Even if I did know it'd still be pointless because I wasn't some all-seeing guy who could predict and prevent everything without knowing what was going to happen. Yet… I kind of want to. Another shot at life, with my memories, ethics, and logic. I could do so much! I could fix all my regrets!
I almost laughed at myself for thinking all that crap.
"Besides, it's not like anyone would care to begin with," I said.
I said?
Huh, where the fuck did the voice come from?
The darkness vanished, replaced by a warm orange light from the lamp above. The brown yet decorated halls and walls struck a familiar sense. My clothes looked a little strange as did my body. So small.
Cold air.
I'm breathing?
"Are you… alright my lord?" The maid mumbled, face cringing a tad. Her voice had come out of nowhere and I just stared at her for who knows how long.
About twenty, long black apron with some whites; on a second glance, the white bits were cream rather than white. A bona fide maid.
Her skin had texture, somewhat hidden by the white powder she'd applied not long ago. Her pristine dress was a testament to just how much care she must have put in. Seemed too high quality to be cosplay.
Is this real? Felt too detailed to be a dream. I was under a truck, right?
Then what the fuck….
"I'm fine," I said, trying to touch my body and see if the senses were still here. They were. The texture of my dress, the sensation of my skin, the wind against my face… so real.
Huh… not only had I somehow entered the childhood stage of my other life but I was also conscious of things and kept my memories? Just what you wanted.
Sweat poured, heart roared.
Alright me, don't freak out. Just don't freak out, okay? Yeah, I was definitely not freaking out.
Gulping hard, I touched the maid's arm, making double sure I wasn't dreaming. Probably wasn't a great idea but I could feel her warmth and I immediately let go. Not a dream. "Sorry," I said. "I thought I was dreaming."
Her warmth left a lingering question in my mind. She's real. I'm real. So this world must be real, right?
But if the birds on the other side of the wall were real, as was the green tinted sky, how the fuck am I supposed to deal with all this?
"N-no worries, my lord." She offered a nod and explained that I'd had a horrible fall this morning and so she wasn't expecting me to be wandering around the halls alone with my eyes closed.
I touched my head and ow… stung. So, the heavy feeling was the bump in my head?
Rather convenient. Almost as though whoever brought me here had set up the whole thing. Did make me think though, who brought me here? God? Would I go back to being dead later?
If reincarnation existed, how come I wasn't reincarnated into my third life. To begin with, was this guy, David, even me? The fuck does this mean….
Medieval-esque world. If I recalled correctly, there was both magic and some technology here, so it wasn't a typical medieval world and life was way more peaceful and fulfilling compared to earth, as long as you were a noble, which I was.
Gods existed as did demigods but I didn't recall anything about reincarnation or gods personally meddling in people's lives. So, who or what?
"I see, thank you. You may leave." My mind was kind of on fire and I needed to sort things through. But I couldn't do that in the presence of the maid. She knew me all my life and could probably figure I wasn't who I was supposed to be.
Her brows widened as she quite literally just stared at me for a minute. "Yes, my lord." A tad bewildered but didn't seem to mean any harm. Probably.
I caught a quick glance of my face on the reflection of a painting of my supposed grandfather. Moderately blonde hair, chubby face, and somewhat blue eyes…. both of us.
Judging by my appearance, I was about ten. Meaning, I hadn't yet fully started terrorizing their living quarters yet. They already had an impression of me, of sorts, so I couldn't change overnight. They'd be suspicious of a possession. I didn't want to be branded as a changeling and persecuted.
In other words, I had to change but slowly.
Luckily for me, kids change.
As for now… I stared at the hallway and the paintings and everything else. A little close to the evening, so the maids were busy with setting up the dinner table downstairs; I kept hearing random yells. There was a guard at the end of the corridor who saluted me when I passed by. Almost all the maids and butlers appeared to avoid me. Like they were afraid of something.
About ten or so rooms on this side of the rectangular mansion. If I recalled correctly, there was a total of fifty-six rooms in this building and a basement which I'd never visited.
For a mansion so huge, I didn't see many people around. Certainly not from the family. So two older brothers and three sisters… I can make this work… right? One of the brothers had gone independent and moved away. While the other brother was going to succeed the lord. I had little claim to the land but was being kept as a contingency in case something happened to him.
A little late but the reality hit me again. My heart pounded as more and more information hit me. I still couldn't remember minute details but events, people, and all the trauma were invading me. Fuck! Sweating like my life was ending, I panted and looked out the window. Yet just when I wanted some air, the breeze stopped. Seriously, fuck.
The panic slowed as I watched the gardeners water the plants below. A new world, a new life but people were still people. A very different world but most of it was still similar.
Don't worry, you got this.
You got this.
You got this!
I kept exploring. The rooms were big, and the house was well built but it was still just a large two storied mansion in my book.
Yet, why?
Why did I feel so nostalgic about this place? Enough to cry. No, not about this place.
I died, and was given another shot. Of course, I kept missing her but… but the promise of a new life was enough to make not think about her or the relationship. What about my parents though… will they miss me? Maybe, or maybe they won't. To my friends I was replaceable. To my lover, I was dead. Well, I really was dead. So it didn't make sense to be worrying about them.
Yet, the tears…
Fuck. Fuck this crybaby-body.
You finally have another shot at Life, don't mess this up. I wiped the tears. I glared at the setting sun, the distant fields, houses, people…. let's not die again.
And certainly not before the age of 20.
***
Marble flooring. I expected it to be wood.
I expected the walls to be wood as well. But it was concrete.
The paintings were oil paintings and rather high quality.
Everything felt nostalgic but I couldn't really remember actually seeing them. To me it was like I was experiencing it all for the first time. I couldn't even recall the names of the guys in the paintings! Probably because I didn't care enough.
Doesn't this mean the memories might not be that reliable? Memory in general wasn't reliable. Maybe I was misremembering some events or information. Maybe I was twisting some of them, and maybe I was forgetting some very important things.
Regardless standing here in front of this gentlemen in the black suit and blue tie wasn't doing me any good.
The gentlemen had struck a solid thinking pose and stared at me with those blank eyes… yes, he was in the picture; blonde hair, chiseled jaws. It looked a tad realistic but it was a painting regardless.
If I recall correctly- "Hey, you," I said. One of the butlers almost ducked and tried to run but there was nowhere to run so he defeatedly appeared before me and stood there like a thief caught in the act.
"Yes sir?"
"I am testing your memory. What do you know about this fine gentleman?"
He gulped a couple of times before starting his rant. "Lord Balthazar Galford! Lord of the Veltic region, slayer of the Mongers, conqueror of the divine-"
A sigh escaped without me even noticing. "No, you idiot, I meant reality not legends."
Even for legends, he was taking it too far.
He gulped again. "Lord Balthazar was the previous head of the Galford family and was famous for his superior military tactics. During his reign, there was both war but a period of peace and solvency."
In other words, he was a strong guy. And also, the brother of my grandfather.
"Si-sir," the butler managed.
"Yes?"
"Dinner will be ready soon."
"I will be there shortly."
You don't have to be 'that' scared you know. I did sort of like his shivering though.