---
Jinwoo hadn't slept properly in three days.
There was a fork stuck in his electric kettle. His room smelled like desperation and cheap deodorant. His fridge held half a bottle of expired cola, a single slice of cheese, and something he didn't dare identify.
He wasn't depressed. Probably. Just exhausted in a way only the internet can cause.
He sat in front of his laptop, hunched, eyes dry from staring at a screen that refused to make him famous. YouTube thumbnails blared across his monitor—clickbait, rage bait, potato mukbangs, some weird AI VTuber made of noodles.
His own video had 12 views. Ten of those were probably him refreshing.
Jinwoo sighed. "I peaked in 2019. I should've gone into crypto."
Then—at exactly 7:46 a.m.—his phone exploded with notifications.
Buzz. Buzz. BuzzBuzzBuzz.
He groaned, picked it up, and blinked blearily at the screen.
> BREAKING: Anti-Potato Video Sparks Global Trade Crisis
#RootRevolt Trending in 142 Countries
UN Security Council Holds Emergency Fry Summit
McDonald's Declares Strategic Fry Emergency
Jinwoo stared. Then blinked.
Then, slowly, like a raccoon watching its garbage catch fire, he turned to his monitor.
His last video:
> "10 Reasons Potatoes Are Evil (WAKE UP SHEEPLE)"
Views: 38,112,743
Likes: 1.3 million
Dislikes: 3.1 million
Comments: Disabled
UN Strike Warning: Active
"...What the hell," he whispered.
The thumbnail glared back at him: his face in a tinfoil hat, holding a raw potato over a pentagram drawn in ketchup. The caption read: "EXPOSED: The Tuber Agenda"
He had made it as a joke.
A joke.
---
Two Days Earlier
He'd been delirious when he filmed it.
Too much caffeine. Not enough serotonin. No sleep. The perfect storm for an unhinged rant.
He'd talked about how potatoes were the true enemy of human evolution. How the Incas tried to warn us but were silenced. How fries were a form of moral sedative.
He'd added fake charts, doctored images of world leaders kissing potatoes, and declared the existence of an ancient root-worshipping cult: The Golden Tuberate.
Then he added echo effects, spooky music, and uploaded it at 2:13 a.m. while eating cold noodles.
He thought maybe a few Reddit weirdos would laugh. Maybe it would get posted on r/conspiracy_jokes. He went to bed expecting nothing.
He woke up to the comments section on fire and the Prime Minister of Belgium challenging him to a televised debate.
--
Present Day – 8:12 a.m.
His kitchen window shattered.
A sleek black drone zipped inside, scanned the room, and detonated something in his toaster. Sparks flew. The air smelled like burnt bread and espionage.
Jinwoo dove to the floor. "WHAT THE—?!"
Smoke rolled through the apartment.
A shadow moved.
From the haze emerged a woman—platinum hair, cybernetic violet eyes, black tactical armor with potato leaves on the shoulder.
She looked like a fashion-forward assassin sent by a vegetable cartel.
She didn't speak at first. Just scanned him, then tossed something metal onto the table.
It landed with a thunk.
A badge.
> Eir Solanum
Ex-Chief of Tubergenics, Class-5 Defector
Jinwoo's mouth went dry. "Solanum...? Like... Solanum tuberosum? That's the Latin name for—"
"Yes," she said coolly. "Potato."
He stared at her. "You're joking."
"I don't joke. You're in danger."
"I literally made a meme!" Jinwoo shouted, backing into the sink. "I added a potato scream sound effect!"
"You started a chain reaction. Countries are banning potato exports. Farmers are rioting in Peru. Idaho has declared martial law."
"What?"
"They've labeled you a 'Global Root Threat.'"
Jinwoo's phone lit up again.
> WANTED: JINWOO KIM – Food Destabilization Suspect
Bounty: ₩120,000,000 (and one year unlimited fries, dead only)
He stared at it. Then at her.
"…McDonald's is putting out hits now?" he asked weakly.
Eir nodded. "Franchise militias are mobilizing. They've deployed the Fry Knights."
Jinwoo whimpered. "I don't want to die because of carbs…"
She stepped forward. "Then come with me. Now."
He hesitated. His apartment. His life. His hotplate. All of it, behind him.
He nodded slowly.
"…Can I bring my laptop?"
"No."