The sound of a car horn keeps disturbing me. I put my hands over my ears it's become a habit to do this. I hate noises. I lived in a small town where hardly any noise was heard. In this city, this horn keeps bursting in my ears every day. It never stops. It hurts my ears, my moodeverything. What I hate even more is this office where I work. The head taunts me every dayabout my reports, my work, or even my project ideas!
The only thing I had in this bright city was my boyfriend. We dated for almost four years. Today, he broke up with me for a girl from his office. We work in different offices... we usually met on special occasions or once every 2 or 3 months. He was always staring at his mobile phone. Somehow, I already knew he had someone else, but I kept silent. I never asked, "Who is she?" or "Why did you cheat on me?"
Is it really important or necessary to ask someone why they didn't love you? It feels like begging for love. I'm not a beggar and I never want to become one of them!
"Do this again," the head ordered me.
Working in the private sector felt like being a servant they just replaced the word with "employee." They treat you like a servant. Work here: 8 hours a day / monthly salary: 35k... it's all bullshit.
The reality is different. We have to work 12 hours at the office, and at home, we prepare presentations. All 24 hours go to the office.
I'm not against hard work... but what really hurts me is how the head treats me like his servant. He never encourages my work. Whatever I do, whatever I've done he always curses me. It's like I'm the only one he targets!
I stared at the computer, typing words I didn't even understand.
A text popped up on my phone: "Come, let's party tonight!" It was from Sarah
She's a cheerful girl unlike me, who always prefers silence. I don't know how to talk to people. I don't know how to act normal or laugh at silly things.
"Okay," I replied to her.
It was an employee group where everyone could chat. I noticed a couple from my office they acted like they were the last couple left on Earth. Their texts were like: "Aniya, are you coming?" and she replied, "No, me and Anurag are going out together... so sorry."
Like, no one asked why she wasn't coming. Just say yes or no—but no, she had to show off in front of all the employees.
It's not like I hate her... but maybe I felt jealous. Maybe that's what made me angry. But I don't even know how to be angry like, why? Why does someone else's happiness make me angry? Why do I want to snatch their happiness... their wide smiles?
Slowly, I'm becoming the villain of the story. The one who hates others' happiness... just because he has none.
I'm that villain.
I sat on the train, heading back to that empty, silent apartment where no one is waiting for me, no one to cheer me up.
I always wonder: is it my fault that I'm not happy, or is there really no one who can make me feel happy?
And the answer always comes to my mind: "Your fault."
And yes, maybe it is.
I never enjoyed being in crowds not because I didn't want to, but because they made me uncomfortable. They made me... silent. And slowly, I became silent even in my alone time. Silent around my family... around my boyfriend.
Maybe that's why he left me.
I opened my apartment door the silence pressed against my chest.
I walked to the balcony, where the city buzzed with traffic. It all looked so loud… so distant. No one cares about anyone here. No one comes to your place to take away your loneliness, to pat your shoulder and say, "You did well today," or "You need a break," or "You should eat something," or "You need to sleep properly."
These little things they're what make humans happy. That's what couples usually do for each other.
But I don't have anyone who cares for me like that…
No one to hold my hand,
to wipe my tears,
to erase my pain.
The only one I had was me, myself! I tried to sleep, but my eyes kept staring at the ceiling, where there was nothing only white paint.
I grabbed the blanket, put it on myself, and closed my eyes softly.
Wishing this could end soon this loneliness, the silence, everything I had...
I want happiness, or someone who would hold my hand forever.
The suffering from sleeplessness is worse than anything. It depresses you, breaks you. I try hard to sleep, but it never comes early. It's 12 a.m., and I'm still awake. My eyes are closed, but my mind keeps running. I truly try to stop it, but... it never stops quickly. It takes time, slowly consumes me, and then finally gives me sleep like I'm fighting for sleep with myself, with the other part of me that wants to stay awake or alert.