Chapter 27: The Sacred Art of Rock, Paper, Scissors.
"So let me get this straight," I said, dryly. "You've been extorted by some guy who lives in a cloud in the ocean who steals joy from you. This issue got so out of hand that you built a fake city on the beach to act as bait for the monster freaky spider-giants—Lefts, you call them—disciples of the guy in the sky who burned in a volcano for a hundred years…"
I paused, letting that absurdity hang in the air.
"You've lived under tyranny and extortion all this time... and you still haven't found a solution because—just making sure I'm hearing this absolutely correctly—neither of you wants to work together since neither of you will admit that the other's food-themed kingdom is superior?"
"Mhhh... sounds about right. He's not forgetting anything, is he, Stella?" Stello said, hand on his chin, deep in thought.
"Sounds about right," Stella replied casually.
"This dumbass wouldn't know real flavor if it smacked her in the mouth," Stello muttered.
"Did you hear something, Maddox? I could've sworn a tasteless, decrepit excuse for a giant tried to lecture me on taste," Stella shot back.
"I mean, to be fair," Mel added, flipping her hair, "how could someone who looks like him even comprehend true flavor—or appreciate the beauty of sweetness?"
"Don't listen to her, Stello," El said dryly. "A child of her caliber could never appreciate the deep flavor of real food."
"Very true, Ms. Eliza. I'm truly beginning to like you," Stello said with a proud look.
What is wrong with you people? I thought, silently screaming inside.
"That's it, Stello!" Stella snapped. "It's on! We'll fight for the top spot in a glorious and bloody battle to the bitter end! We shall raise sword and shield for the crown of true flavor!"
"Oh really? That's fine by me, Stella! That eyesore of a kingdom has been dragging this island down with its disgraceful, lackluster appearance. I've wanted to burn it down every single morning of my life."
"Let's go, Ms. Eliza. We have a war to plan."
"Absolutely!" El said, leaping up onto Stello's shoulder.
"Let us leave this pathetic meeting at once, Lady Melody. We have a kingdom to destroy."
"Damn straight," Mel said, jumping onto Stella's shoulder.
I stood speechless. I had just witnessed the beginning of history. A full-fledged war was now on the horizon… over food. What was my actual life?
"Wait!" I called out as they began to leave. "We are not doing this! We need both kingdoms if we're going to stand a chance against Good. From what you've told me, it makes zero sense to destroy each other right now!"
They paused and turned back toward me.
"Then what do you suggest?" Mel challenged. "How can we possibly resolve this peacefully? You've seen her, Maddox....we can't negotiate with her kind." She gestured dismissively at Eliza.
"Don't start, Mel," I said with a sigh.
"We'll settle this with a civil and fair technique. One passed down through generations. A technique that does not discriminate nor pick sides. One unswayed by prejudice, race, or personal preference."
They stared at me, curiosity piqued, hanging on every word.
"Does such a technique truly exist?" Stella asked, brows raised.
"Oh, it does," I said solemnly, my expression full of conviction. "It has helped me resolve—and clarify—many deadly debates in the past. Debates that could have ended friendships. That would have decimated peace."
"Speak, boy!" Stello cried. "What technique could possibly hold such power?"
"We shall resolve this..." I took a breath, "...through the sacred art of rock, paper, scissors."
The tense, world-ending atmosphere of the room vanished instantly—replaced by uncontrollable laughter.
"Hahahaha! I like this boy!" Stello shouted, rolling on the floor.
"It's so ridiculous... it just might work!" Stella chuckled. "You know what? Game on."
"Send the word!" Stello declared. "Summon all giants, animals, and monsters—tomorrow we settle this war!"
Mel and El joined in, laughing along with them. "Wow, Maddox. Talk about unserious," Mel teased. "Only you could come up with such a dumb solution."
"Seriously," El added. "Classic Maddox move."
I stood there, expression blank, thoughts dry as ever.
No way those words are coming from the people who literally wanted to start a war over food, I thought.
I've involved myself with dumbasses, haven't I?
The next day, all the members of the two kingdoms met in the Sweet Kingdom's Fighting Cathedral—a huge stadium made entirely of candy, standing tall in all its glory. Spherical in shape, it resembled the Roman Colosseum—a sight to behold—nestled at the heart of the Cake Spires.
The stadium was packed. Giants from both kingdoms roared in excitement, going absolutely wild—which was hilarious to me, considering this wasn't some grand clash of brutish warriors or demonic forces. This wasn't a fight with swords or shields, knives or spells, or flashy explosions. This was a plain old, ordinary game of rock-paper-scissors.
From opposite ends of the stadium, two candy cane gates—striped red and white—swung open. From them emerged Stello and Stella, each greeted by deafening cheers and fanatical praise.
"Rip her apart, Stello!" someone screamed.
"Show them the might of the Saveryspire Plateau!" another shouted.
"No way! Home advantage! Get them, Stella!" someone else yelled.
"I have this rash on my armpit and it's getting really bad, guys. I'm worried!" another roared.
In the center of the arena, a spotlight blazed down onto the battlefield: a single round table made of crystal-clear sugar.
They met at the table, eyes locked, sparks flying, both radiating fierce determination.
"Are you ready to lose, Stello?" Stella asked with a confident grin.
"I fear you underestimate my skills, Stella," Stello replied smugly.
They both grinned.
"Start the first round, ref!" they signaled.
"No way you're both serious," I said dryly. I stood beside the table, forcibly dressed in a referee's outfit—white and black shirt, black pants, and a silver whistle dangling from a string around my neck.
"This was your idea, no?" Stella said, still not breaking eye contact with her brother.
Mel and El stood on the sidelines, laughing hysterically, literally rolling on the ground.
"God damn it," I muttered to myself.
"Fine." I raised my hand, face blank with disinterest, and lifted the whistle with the other.
"The rules are simple. You throw your attack on 'shoot' not before, or it doesn't count. Best of three. Winner takes it all. Understood?"
"Understood!" they shouted back, placing their crumpled fists behind their backs.
I blew the whistle.
The sound echoed through the entire stadium—instantly silencing the crowd.
"Rock…" My voice boomed from the speakers.
"Paper…" Tension gripped the air. The giants clenched their fists; sweat rolled down their brows.
"Scissors…" You could hear a pin drop.
"Shoot!"
Both Stella and Stello swung their fists from behind their backs with such velocity, the air cracked across the stadium.
Some in the crowd sutterd or shut their eyes.
The results: Rock… and Scissors.
"Stella! The victor of the first round!"
The Sweet Point Plateau erupted in cheers.
"Yes, Stella! Get them, Queen!"
"You can do it, Queen Stella!"
One particularly enthusiastic fan waved a massive cotton-candy flag. "No but guys, for real, I may need medical attention. The rash is spreading!" he shouted mid-dance.
Round two began. Once again, the stadium fell silent.
"Rock…"
"Paper…" A single giant cleared his throat earning a flurry of angry shushes.
"Scissors…" This round would go down in history.
"Shoot!"
A sharp gasp filled the air. A few giants fainted from pure overstimulation.
The results: Paper… and Scissors.
"The winner of this round: Stello." It was now 1–1.
The Saveryspire Plateau exploded with applause.
"Yes! King Stello! Show them who's boss!"
"All hail the great Saveryspire Plateau!"
"SSP! SSP! SSP!"
"Ha! You fool," Stello said smugly, waving at his supporters. "I shall now claim victory, Stella."
"Why you—" Stella growled, teeth gritted.
Before the final round, a halftime show commenced….yes, a halftime show. For rock-paper-scissors.
Fireworks lit up the skies. Dancers, singers, performers from both kingdoms took to the stage. The crowd swayed and cheered in celebration.
Then, it was time. The final round.
"Are you ready, Stello?" Stella asked as they met again at the table.
"Yes. This round will determine our future. One kingdom will fall today."
"Ha! Indeed. So—shall we?" Sparks of lightning practically crackled in the air as they stared each other down.
"Rock…" The stadium was gripped by a surreal stillness. People clenched their hands, some crying, some praying.
"Paper…" Even more fainted.
"Scissors…" Sweat poured like waterfalls.
"Shoot!"
Scissors… and Paper.
"The winner—and now by principle the undisputed champion and best flavor palate in all giant-kind: Stella."
Sweet Point Plateau lost its mind.
"SPP! SPP! SPP! SPP!"
"Hell yeah!"
"Good going, Stella! Queen Stella, yeah!"
"I know we're all celebrating, but my armpits are literally on fire—someone please help," another screamed joyfully.
Mel lunged onto the stage to celebrate.
"Well done! I knew you could do it!" she cheered.
"Ha! Look at your dumb loser face, El!" she teased, sticking out her tongue.
"We only win here in the kingdom of sweets and bliss! SPP! SPP! SPP!"
El stood silently, unimpressed. She walked over to Stello, who was kneeling, palm still open, staring at his defeated paper sign.
"This sucks more than anything I've experienced in a while," she said.
"Indeed. This does suck very much," Stello replied, a single tear sliding down his cheek.
The victory celebration lasted all night. Music, food, dancing—it didn't stop.
I was dragged into the festivities—unwillingly, of course—but I won't lie. It was one of the most fun nights I'd had in a while.
Before Stello and the giants could retreat, they too were pulled into the celebration.
There was booze. There was food. And there was joy.
It was, honestly, a pretty incredible night.
The night we partied with the giants.