Darkness.
Pain.
Existential dread?
Nah, just hunger.
I'm dying. Like, actually dying. My whole body feels like it went through a blender and then got slapped by a Hilichurl. My head's throbbing, my ribs are probably playing Tetris, and I'm pretty sure I tasted blood earlier. Not even the anime kind where you cough once and look cool. No. I full-on projectile bled. I look like a bootleg horror prop.
"Motherfucker," I croak, opening my eyes. "I almost died. For real. Like, permanently. Where the fuck was my plot armor?!"
It didn't even TRY to kick in! Useless. Absolutely useless. I'm filing a complaint to the gods of narrative protection.
I try to sit up, and my back screams in protest. "Okay, okay! Damn, relax. I get it. Bedridden protagonist arc. Jesus."
I sit up slowly, every bone in my body cracking like a broken glowstick. Groaning, I look around. Wait a damn minute…
"This isn't the Chasm…"
I know for a fact that hellhole doesn't come with cozy walls, soft lighting, or a goddamn fruit bowl. My eyes dart around. Yep. Teapot. My magical Airbnb.
No Lumine. No Paimon.
No clingy cuddle monsters.
Just me. Broken. Alone. Starving.
"Alright, calm down," I mutter to myself, dragging my ass to the kitchen. "Time to feed the beast before my large intestine eats my small one out of spite."
I grab whatever's edible. Some rice balls. Dried meat. An apple. Two cookies. A handful of almonds that were probably decorative. I don't care. If it fits in my mouth, it's fair game.
"Mmmph… god bless whoever stocked this place. Probably Lumine. Or me. Past me was a genius."
I eat like a man possessed. Like I've been starving for—
Wait.
"How long have I been sleeping?"
I wobble out the mansion door, holding my aching side and looking like I just crawled out of a soap opera coma. I stretch, bones snapping in protest. "Tubby!"
My faithful round duck-thing floats over with that eternal blank smile.
"Oh, you're finally awake," Tubby chirps.
"Yeah yeah," I groan. "How long was I out?"
"Approximately thirteen days and seventeen hours."
I blink. Then blink again.
"...What the FUCK!?"
THIRTEEN DAYS?! Bro. That's not sleep. That's a damn coma. I was straight up in hibernation mode. I could've grown a beard and joined the Liyue sages in that time.
"That's like… TWO anime seasons! I could've been isekai'd twice in that span!"
I pull out my phone—yes, I keep it charged with suspiciously convenient power banks, don't question it—and check the map.
Ping.
My eyes zoom in.
Lumine and Paimon's location: Sumeru City.
...
"YOU LITTLE SHITS LEFT ME?!"
They went on without me?! The two chaos gremlins I've protected, bickered with, and cuddled like a human pillow—LEFT ME IN THE DAMN TEAPOT?!
I throw my phone into the air and catch it dramatically like a K-drama protagonist.
"No. No. I won't allow this. I must rise again. The world needs me. Chaos needs me. They need me! And I need Nilou!"
I turn to Tubby, voice serious. "Tubby. Prepare the dimensional warp. The world must witness my dumbassery once again."
"You still look like a half-dead potato," Tubby replies flatly.
"Shut it, you floating dumpling. This half-dead potato has purpose.
With renewed (but fake) energy, I march toward the exit.
Then promptly collapse face-first into the grass.
"...of course," I mutter into the dirt. "Of fucking course. I have no stamina. I've been a damn houseplant for two weeks. Photosynthesis couldn't even save me."
I groan and flop over dramatically, arms spread like I'm performing an interpretive dance titled "Despair and Dumb Bitch Energy."
"So this is my life now, huh? Lying on my back while the universe laughs at me."
I close my eyes and sigh. Maybe just five more minutes. Or five hours. Whatever.
I roll over and stare at the sky.
"Well, guess I'm back, bitches. Barely. But I am."
Alright. So.
What now?
I sit there on the grass outside the mansion in my teapot realm, groaning like I've just run a marathon while carrying Zhongli's emotional baggage. My arms feel like wet noodles. My legs are protesting like union workers who didn't get paid. My spine? Missing in action.
"Okay legs," I say, attempting to stand, wobbling like a newborn deer. "Time to earn your keep again."
I manage to get up. Barely. My body trembles like I'm in a shaky-cam scene. I stretch a bit, moving like I'm trying to perform yoga drunk. My muscles cry. My back pops. My dignity? Long gone.
I give my shoulders a good massage, like a desperate salaryman. I even karate-chop my own thighs.
"Get it together, me," I mutter. "I'm not dying here. Not in pajamas. Not in my own teapot."
Tubby floats by and observes. "You should rest more. You look like a soggy radish."
"Tubby, if I rest any more, my soul might permanently leave the chat."
I grab a few more snacks—because clearly that's the answer to everything—chew some jerky, and by the grace of the Archons, I can now walk in a straight line without looking like I'm doing interpretive dance.
"Let's go find those traitors," I mumble with a tired grin. "Time to give them a proper yelling."
As I step out of the teapot, I'm greeted by sunlight and startled bystanders. Some people scream. Others drop their baskets. One kid points and says, "Is that a hobo or an adventurer?"
"Rude," I cough, brushing imaginary dirt off my shirt. "I am neither. I am chaos incarnate."
I start walking toward the tavern. The moment I spot a very familiar blond head and a floating emergency food fairy, I squint.
"Aha! There you are, you idiots!"
I stomp toward them dramatically. "You two! You decided to ditch me, huh—"
SMACK.
Before I can finish my righteous speech, my face is suddenly mushed against a table. A very solid table. A very painful table.
"Mmph?!"
"Hey! Stop! That's our friend!" I hear Lumine shout.
"Yeah! He's just stupid, not dangerous!" Paimon adds.
I slowly lift my head, half-squished, half-impressed. "Uhh... Hello... Cat Mommy... Could you maybe not murder me? I just got out of a coma."
The woman pinning me down blinks, then smirks. She finally lets go.
"You're lucky your friends have vouching privileges," she says.
I sit up, fixing my collar and dignity. "Thank you, Cat Mommy. You're strong and terrifying, but also strangely attractive."
Lumine slaps her forehead. "Dehya, meet Shigeru. Our... friend."
"More like a chaotic sidekick," Paimon mutters.
"Hey! I am the main character of my own spinoff, thank you very much."
Dehya laughs. "He's funny. I like him."
I give her finger guns. "Glad someone appreciates my presence."
Then I turn toward Lumine and Paimon with a glare. "You two! Why did you ditch me?! And more importantly, WHERE did you get your AirPods Pro Max, huh?!"
Lumine blinks. "AirPods?"
I point dramatically at the Akasha Terminal on her ear. "That! That thing! I want one too! For AESTHETICS!"
Paimon groans. "Seriously?!"
Dehya bursts out laughing again. Without missing a beat, she pulls an extra Akasha Terminal from her pouch and hands it over.
"Thanks, Cat Mommy," I say, slipping it on. "Not only are you hot, you're generous too. You're setting unrealistic standards for future waifus."
Dehya raises a brow. "Flatterer."
I give her my award-winning grin. Then I notice the girl beside her. She's quiet, delicate, and radiates grace.
"Milady," I say, bowing dramatically to Dunyarzad. "How are you holding up? Still suffering from that pesky illness?
The air gets tense. Dunyarzad looks surprised. Dehya's expression shifts.
"How do you know about that?" she asks, voice sharper.
Lumine steps in. "He just... knows things. It's a Shigeru thing. Don't ask. We stopped asking.
"He's like that fortune teller who doesn't charge you but still makes you cry," Paimon adds.
I nod solemnly. "It's a burden I carry. Like Batman. But dumber."
Dehya stares at me for a moment. Then, with uncharacteristic vulnerability, she says, "Please... If there's anything you can do... Help us."
I grin. "No worries. We'll probably set you free from that shit in the next quest."
Silence.
Dehya and Dunyarzad look confused.
Paimon sighs. "He means... yes. He'll help. Somehow. Probably by causing more chaos."
Lumine pinches the bridge of her nose. "Just tolerate him. He grows on you. Like mold."
"Like aesthetically pleasing mold," I add.
I flash a peace sign. "Let's save a life, make friends, and cause moderate destruction. Who's with me?"
Dehya chuckles. "You're insane."
Dunyarzad giggles softly. "But strangely comforting."
"You say that like it's a bad thing," I reply with a wink.
Lumine gives a small smile. "Welcome back, Shigeru."
And just like that, the dumbass king is back.
***
"So what's poppin', my dear loyal peasants?"
I plop down on the chair with a dramatic sigh like I just finished a world tour, flinging a snack into my mouth like some sort of half-starved anime protagonist. Lumine, Paimon, Dehya, and Dunyarzad are sitting there chatting peacefully, probably discussing important lore stuff or whatever. Me? I came here for vibes, snacks, and to bring chaos.
"So," I begin, leaning back like the embodiment of chill, "how much progress did you make? Still haven't met the cute radish?"
Lumine and Paimon pause. Their faces scream internal error, please reboot. They both tilt their heads.
"Who?" Lumine says, eyebrows furrowed
"Radish?" Paimon echoes. "Like... vegetable?
I blink. I blink again. I squint at them like they just told me apples grow undergrounds.
"The radish?! You know? Archon? Small? Super cute? Probably locked in some creepy chamber right now?"
Dehya lets out a low chuckle. "You really have a way with titles."
Lumine deadpans. "You mean Lesser Lord Kusanali?"
I point aggressively. "THAT'S RIGHT. That's her! So how was it? Is she as adorable as my dreams make her out to be or even cuter?! Did she pat your heads? Give you cookies? Enlighten you with cosmic wisdom while looking like a baby carrot?!"
Paimon floats closer, frowning. "How... how do you even come up with these comparisons?"
"It's a gift. A curse. A lifestyle," I say, solemnly placing a hand on my heart.
Lumine sighs, already done with me. "We haven't met her. Not even close."
Dunyarzad gently steps in, her voice calm. "Not many people even speak about her anymore. The people of Sumeru... well, most of them barely know her. It's like she's forgotten."
I blink. My snack pauses mid-crunch.
"...HUH?! What kind of disrespect is that?!" I shout, mouth half-full. "She's your ARCHON. She should be on your currency! Or at least on collectible stickers!"
Dehya snorts. "Now there's a marketing idea."
Dunyarzad chuckles lightly, but her voice becomes more serious. "I... I remember her clearly, though. Even though I was very young. I was so sick back then, but... her voice, it comforted me. It was warm. Kind. She told me so many wondrous things. She promised to be my friend. I still believe in that promise."
She smiles softly, eyes distant.
"But when I told my mother, she said I was dreaming... that it was just a hallucination brought on by my condition. But I know it wasn't. I'd never heard of Teyvat before that... but I knew her voice."
Lumine looks at her quietly, and even Paimon floats a bit closer, her usual sass subdued.
I nod slowly, surprisingly serious for once. "I get it. Sometimes the things that feel the most unreal are the ones that matter the most. And Lesser Lord Kusanali? She's real. And she is really, really cute."
Paimon groans. "You were almost profound and then you ruined it."
"Hey, I'm a man of consistency," I grin.
Dehya smirks. "So, where to next, oh wise chaos gremlin?
"Chaos king, please. I've been promoted," I say, brushing invisible dust from my shoulder.
I stretch with a yawn. "Dunno. But we should totally go somewhere. Somewhere festival-y. Somewhere I can do dumb things in public without getting arrested."
Dunyarzad brightens up. "Well, I was actually planning to help out with the Sabzeruz Festival. It's in honor of Lesser Lord Kusanali. It used to be big, but... the Akademiya's influence has caused it to shrink year after year."
"Akademiya, huh?" I mutter. "Sounds like a bunch of nerds who think they know everything but can't tell the difference between passion and propaganda."
Dehya lets out a surprised laugh. "You nailed it."
Paimon pipes up. "That's... actually a really accurate description."
"I'm good at judging people I've never met. It's my sixth sense. Right after snack detection and sarcasm radar."
Dunyarzad stands up, a hopeful light in her eyes. "Let's go to the Grand Bazaar, then. That's where the preparations are. Maybe we can still make it something special."
Lumine nods. "It'll be good to help out."
Everyone agrees. And me? I'm just happy to tag along. With snacks, obviously. Always snacks.
We start walking down the street like a band of mismatched anime characters. Lumine's the overpowered MC. Dehya's the cool bodyguard. Dunyarzad's the wholesome emotional support. Paimon's the talking mascot. And me?
I'm the comic relief that occasionally gets a tragic backstory.
"So," I say through a mouthful of dried fruit, "where are we going again?"
Dehya raises an eyebrow. "The Grand Bazaar. I literally just said that."
Paimon floats up next to me. "Were you even listening?!"
"Ohhh, cool. Cool cool cool. Totally knew that. I was just... testing your memory. You passed. Congrats."
Dehya gives me a look. "You really are something else."
"I get that a lot."
We walk for a while. The city's hustle and bustle surrounds us. Sumeru is alive with color, energy, and faint background music that suspiciously sounds like it's leading up to a cutscene.
I notice street vendors shouting over one another, spices wafting through the air, and kids laughing as they chase each other with festival masks. It almost feels... magical.
"Y'know," I say, more to myself than anyone, "this place is kinda beautiful. Chaotic, but beautiful. Like aesthetically pleasing mold."
Paimon gasps. "That's—!"
Dehya cuts in, laughing. "Don't bother. I think that was his version of a compliment."
Then it happens.
We enter the Grand Bazaar.
And I see her.
The world slows.
The music changes.
A spotlight (imaginary, but emotionally real) shines on a beautiful red-haired girl dancing like an actual goddess. Her movements are fluid. Graceful. Hypnotic. Her blue eyes shimmer. Her fake horns sparkle. Her smile?
MY HEART STOPS.
"N-N-Ni-Nil..."
Before I can even finish saying her name, my brain overloads.
My knees buckle.
I fall to the ground in slow motion, snack still in hand.
"I... have... ascended..."
BOOM.
Face first.
Blackout.
Death by beauty.
And that, my friends, is how I met my dream girl, Nilou.
Probably...
_________________________
End of Chapter 83
Quests Completed:
* Arrive in Sumeru and reunite with Lumine and the crew.
*Meet Dehya and exchange mildly flirty but mostly violent greetings.
* Get punched by Dehya and live to tell the tale.
*Actually listen to someone's tragic backstory for once.
*Validate Dunyarzad's faith in Lesser Lord Kusanali using zero evidence and 100% vibes.
*Reach the Grand Bazaar without getting lost, distracted, or kicked out.
*See Nilou and immediately start stuttering her name.
*Witness Nilou dancing and collapse dramatically. (Like a goddamn legend.)
Rewards:
*+1 Lore Absorption (learned about the Lesser Lord Kusanali's fading influence)
*+2 Chaotic Energy (dialogue choices are now 30% dumber but 70% funnier)
*+5 Snack Stash
*1 Affection with Dehya (punch flirt success)
* +3 Festival Involvement
*+1 Emotional Whiplash
*+2 Confused Party Members
*+1 Coolness Debuff (collapsed in public—again)
*+100,000 Simp Energy
*Title Earned: Nilou's Fallen Knight (In His Dreams)
*Permanent Debuff: "Heart Palpitations (Triggers upon hearing her name)"
*Memory Fragment: "Her eyes... they sparkled like hydro slimes on steroids..."
Achievements:
"She Danced, I Died"
-Witness Nilou dancing for the first time. Collapse on sight like a budget anime protagonist.
Hidden Effect: Every time Nilou appears from now on, Shigeru automatically enters either "Blessed Mode" or "Crisis Mode." RNG decides.
"Radish Riddler"
-Confuse your entire party by calling the Dendro Archon a vegetable. Persist anyway.