White.
I see white everywhere. Not the creepy kind like ghost stories or toothpaste commercials. I mean the glowy, dreamy, heavenly type. Like... wedding filters on maximum overdrive.
And standing there—at the end of the aisle—is her.
Nilou. My goddess. My muse. My personal cardiac event.
She's in a white dress that looks like it was stitched together by angels who graduated with honors from Celestia Fashion University. Her smile? Sunlight. Her eyes? Oceans. Her fake horns? I don't even care if they're real anymore—I'm ready to worship them.
Me? Oh, just rocking a golden suit like a smug rich guy from a drama where I get the girl and slap her ex with a bouquet of cash.
And standing between us?
Zhongli. Smiling. Holding a book. Why? Because apparently this man moonlights as a wedding priest when he's not lecturing people about contracts or geo statues.
"Do you, Shigeru, take this breathtaking vision of elegance and grace as your lawfully wedded wife?" he asks, sounding like he's narrating a documentary about Liyue's economy.
My lips part. I try to answer. But instead, I just stare. Because what even is a voice in front of that kind of beauty?
I look around.
EVERYONE is there.
The Adepti. Xiao even put on a shirt. The Qixing. Ningguang smiled. SMILED. Keqing whispered to Ganyu, "I didn't think he'd actually pull it off." Ganyu replied, "Neither did I, but he does look happy."
The Knights of Favonius and Mr. Dark & Broody Diluc himself, not brooding for once. Venti, sipping wine and clearly tipsy but holding it together. He winked at me. I blushed. Jean whispered to Lisa, "This is… oddly adorable." Lisa chuckled, "I do love weddings."
The Resistance. Gorou wagging his tail. Teppei alive and well. Kokomi nodding like she planned this. Raiden Ei. Not a puppet. THE REAL DEAL. Standing with Yae Miko, who's filming everything on a camera shaped like a fox. Yae smirks, "I'm selling this footage to the Shogunate Archives."
My best man? Kamisato Ayato. Cool as ever. His sis and Thoma, giving thumbs up from the side. Ayaka whispers to Thoma, "I think he's going to cry." Thoma nods. "I give him five seconds."
And the Fatui guests?! SIGNORA AND CHILDE?!
I KNOW RIGHT?!
Even they're smiling. Probably plotting something. But still! Smiling!
Childe elbowed Signora, "Hey, who knew the simp would get the girl first, huh?" She rolled her eyes. "Miracles do exist, I suppose."
And even he showed up.
Dainsleif.
Yes, that Dainsleif. The mysterious immortal-looking guy with too much lore and too little screen time.
Wearing a sharp navy suit, arms crossed like a disapproving dad who secretly paid for the whole wedding. He stood near the front, a proud but emotionally constipated look on his face. Someone whispered, "Isn't that your older brother?" and I may or may not have nodded dramatically.
He met my gaze, gave me the tiniest approving nod... and then immediately glared at Childe for breathing too close to the wine table.
"Don't embarrass our bloodline," he said quietly as I passed.
"WE'RE NOT EVEN BLOOD-RELATED," I whisper-screamed.
He didn't answer. Just sipped his wine like a divorced vampire.
I turn back to Nilou. Her cheeks are pink. She's looking at me like I'm her whole world.
Zhongli continues, "You may now kiss your bride."
Nilou closes her eyes.
Oh god. Oh my GOD.
My heart stops.
My brain short-circuits.
My knees tremble.
My lips inch closer—
SLAAPPP!!!
My eyes jolt open.
Gone is the soft lighting, the background music, and the perfume of divine love.
Now it's just Lumine.
Looming over me.
Face of judgment.
Eyes of sin.
Aura of you absolute idiot.
"WHY!?" I cry out, holding my cheek. "I WAS ABOUT TO KISS MY DREAM GIRL!"
Lumine looks at me like I'm moldy bread. "You almost kissed me, you idiot. And you were muttering another girl's name in your sleep."
My brain reboots in six languages.
"...Wait what."
Paimon floats in, giggling. "It was hilarious! You passed out and your last words were, 'I have ascended.'"
Dehya's leaning against the wall, arms crossed. Shaking her head. "You really just collapsed the moment you saw her, huh?"
"You should've seen your face," added Paimon. "You looked like someone who found Mora growing on trees."
Dunyarzad is trying to muffle her laughter. Keyword: trying. "I've never seen someone faint so gracefully."
I rub my forehead. "Okay... wait. Right. I thought I saw her and then boom—blackout. That makes sense."
"He's alive!" Paimon claps. "Kind of!"
But then...
A voice.
A sweet, melodic, soft voice.
"Um... is he okay?"
I look up.
Time slows again.
It's her.
"N-N-Ni—N-Ni-Ni—Nil—"
THUD.
Back to darkness. My soul leaves my body. Again.
BUT!
COLD. SHOCKING. WET
WATER.
I GASP.
"WOMAN!" I yell. "WHY?!"
Lumine stands above me holding a now-empty bucket with the face of someone who's done this too many times.
"You almost passed out again. I had to." She says it like she's explaining why the sky is blue.
"Bucket was her first option," muttered Dehya.
"I had ice cubes in reserve," Lumine added casually.
I glare, soaked and betrayed. "You do realize there are other ways to wake people up, right?"
Lumine nods without hesitation.
"Then why?!"
Her eyes narrow like the Shogun's blade just before judgment.
"Because I want you to suffer."
My jaw drops. "Are you secretly evil?! Is this your villain arc?!"
Everyone laughs. Even Nilou. And when I say laugh—I mean her whole face lit up and she covered her mouth like some kind of dainty dream princess and now I'm going to die.
I feel the light leaving my soul. Again.
Lumine senses it. Somehow. With that terrifying sixth sense all girls have.
"One more time," she says, voice cold, eyes glowing with murder, "and I swear I will strangle you."
My survival instincts override my simp circuits. I shoot up like someone lit a fire under me.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GOOD. CHILL. VERY CHILL. TOTALLY CHILLED."
Dehya crosses her arms. "He's learning."
Lumine from the corner adds, "Survival through humiliation."
Dunyarzad, still chuckling, raises her hands. "Okay, okay. Let's focus, shall we?"
"Let's please not have Shigeru die from joy again," said Paimon, hiding a giggle.
"Third time and I'm declaring it a medical emergency," muttered Dehya.
Everyone slowly regains composure. Dehya cracks her knuckles. Paimon's still snorting
Me? I'm standing upright. Soaked. Slightly traumatized. And totally in love.
This is fine.
Everything's fine.
Probably…
***
Okay.
Status check: Still alive. Still soaked. Still (probably) simping way too hard.
After dying twice in a row via Nilou's existence and Lumine's rage bucket, I've finally stabilized my heartbeat to under 300 bpm. Progress.
I blink rapidly, trying to look normal. Or, at least, less like a man who's seen heaven and then got evicted.
"You're back to normal," Dunyarzad says kindly, hands clasped. She sounds relieved. Probably because I stopped dying every five seconds.
I nod slowly. "Yes. Normal. Absolutely. Totally not internally screaming in seventeen different languages."
Lumine side-eyes me like she doesn't believe that for even a nanosecond.
Paimon floats in front of me with her arms crossed. "If that's your definition of normal, we need to seriously update your dictionary."
Dehya chuckles, arms still folded. "Guy's got his own internal circus going on."
"Anyway," Dunyarzad continues, "we're all here to help out with the Sabzeruz Festival."
Nilou lights up—visibly. Her whole face turns into a ball of sunshine.
"Really?! That's wonderful! I didn't think you'd make it this year."
Dunyarzad smiles. That soft kind of smile that can end wars and stop traffic.
"I didn't think so either. But… everything worked out. Even Dehya's here to help."
Dehya raises a brow and crosses her arms with a smirk. "I'm not good with glitter, but I can carry stuff and scare off thieves. So I guess that counts."
God, she's cool.
Paimon pipes up. "Do you beat people with glittery sticks?"
Dehya raises one eyebrow. "Only on special occasions."
Dunyarzad turns to our little disaster trio. "Ah, right. Let me introduce you all properly. This is Lumine and Paimon. They're travelers looking for information about Lesser Lord Kusanali."
Nilou tilts her head, eyes sparkling. "Ooh, the Traveler? The real one? I've heard stories about you! You're even prettier in person!"
Lumine blushes.
I malfunction.
Then Dunyarzad continues: "And this is Shigeru. He… uh… popped out of nowhere, actually. But he's friends with them."
Ah. Yes. The mysterious, handsome stranger with zero backstory and way too much chaotic energy. That's me.
I straighten my back.
Activate: Gentleman Mode: Shigeru.exe.
I step forward, take Nilou's hand delicately, kneel down like a prince in a bad soap opera, and kiss the back of her hand.
"My name is Shigeru, madam. World traveler, professional heart attack recipient, and recent sufferer of divine beauty-induced comas."
Nilou giggles—giggles—and I swear the clouds part and the birds sing.
Lumine?
Glaring.
Hard.
Like she's already holding my funeral in her head.
Ten times.
Dunyarzad opens her mouth to introduce Nilou back, but I—
OF COURSE—interrupt.
"And you!" I exclaim, rising to my feet, pointing with the passion of a bard on five energy drinks. "You are Nilou! Star of the Zubayr Theater! Dancer of dreams! Breaker of realities! The reason gravity feels lighter today! The sun shines brighter because you exist, birds probably have choreographed flight patterns in your honor, and somewhere, a composer just spontaneously wrote a ballad after sensing your presence!"
I dramatically spin to Lumine and Paimon, arms flailing. "Do you two understand what we're dealing with here? This isn't just a dancer—this is a walking celebration of life itself!"
Then to Dehya: "Tell me, have you ever seen someone pirouette so gracefully that your taxes filed themselves out of respect?"
Then to Dunyarzad: "You didn't bring a guest. You brought an experience. A one-woman festival. An emotional rollercoaster in human form!"
Paimon floats beside Nilou, squinting. "Are we sure he's not broken?"
Lumine shrugs. "No, this is his normal. Unfortunately."
Nilou, blushing deeper now, brings her hands to her face with a stunned laugh. Lumine facepalms so hard I hear the slap echo off the bazaar walls.
Shigeru.exe has officially gone full poetic virus mode.
The air stills
Lumine slaps the back of my head.
Hard.
"You're making her uncomfortable, SIMP."
Me, with the most serious, straight face known to mankind: "Lumine, I don't simp."
She scoffs. "Shigeru, you literally passed out after Nilou smiled at you."
"…That was a tactical coma."
Dehya snorts behind her hand. "You're an even funnier person."
Nilou lets out a soft laugh. My heart almost gives up again.
"I'm glad everyone's here. We've already started decorating the Grand Bazaar!" Nilou says, eyes sparkling. "It looks spectacular—all thanks to Dunyarzad's generous contribution!"
Dunyarzad shrugs. "You're very welcome! It's the least I could do. Do you still have enough Mora for the rest?"
Nilou thinks for a moment. "Uh… probably…?"
A pause.
Me: On my knees. Again.
I grab my pouch and hold it up like I'm offering her the sacred golden fleece.
"Take my entire savings. For the arts. For beauty. For our future."
Paimon dive-bombs me with a slap. "You PROMISED you'd buy snacks for Paimon, you idiot! What are you DOING?!"
I blink. Then grin. "Contributing for the betterment of society."
Lumine doesn't even speak.
She stares.
Cold. Unblinking. Judging.
I feel a shiver crawl down my spine. It feels like my ancestors are being personally scolded.
Dehya adds with a grin, "You better not expect a refund if she says no."
Nilou giggles again. "It's okay, Shigeru. We still have enough. Besides—we've already finished renovating the stage! Come on, I'll show you!"
She grabs my wrist gently and starts walking.
My soul? Ascended.
My brain? Fried.
My legs? Jelly.
My mouth? Still somehow running on auto.
"By the Archons, I am touched by divinity," I mumble.
Lumine sighs, already grabbing her emergency slap hand.
Paimon shakes her head. "You're impossible."
We follow Nilou to the stage.
Okay, listen.
The last time I saw a stage this clean, it was inside a vision. As in, like, an actual divine revelation, not the elemental kind. The floors were polished, the air smelled like citrus and drama, and I swear a rainbow just naturally hovered above it. Somewhere, an opera singer hit a high note from pure aesthetic joy.
Paimon hovered beside me, eyes big as Mora coins. "Wow! This place is amazing!"
Even Dehya raised a brow and muttered, "Not bad."
WHICH, from Dehya, basically meant: "This is peak architectural genius."
"Heh," she added, arms crossed. "Last time I was here, the stairs had more holes than logic in the Akademiya's ethics policies."
Nilou turned to us, clasping her hands with that soft, elegant smile that could make the Dendro Archon cry tears of pride.
"Oh, the stairs were nothing compared to the tree," she said.
I blink. Tree?
She gestured above the stage. And there it was—a massive tree, majestic and graceful, stretching above the open ceiling like the stage had its own guardian spirit.
"A while ago," she continued, "the branches started to sag, and Mr. Zubayr was so worried he even contacted the Akademiya. But..."
Her expression dropped. "They never sent anyone. They don't really see performers like us as important. I think... deep down, they want the theater to close down entirely."
Dunyarzad, who'd been quietly admiring the stage, suddenly frowned. "It was heartbreaking, honestly. Everyone was trying so hard to keep things alive. But the Akademiya just..." she sighed. "They treat us like we don't matter."
Dehya grunted. "Same old. Always nose-deep in books, never looking up to see people."
Paimon puffed her cheeks. "That's so mean! They don't know what they're missing!"
Lumine stepped beside me and nodded. "They probably see the arts as frivolous. Just distractions to them. They don't understand how important it is to have something that moves people."
Nilou's eyes lit up at that. "Exactly! It's more than just dance—it's storytelling, it's emotion, it's hope."
Right...
Them...
The brain cells in fancy robes. The human definition of snobs with scrolls.
I rolled down my sleeves, slow and deliberate.
Battle mode? Engaged.
"Oh, hell no. Not on my watch."
Lumine noticed. Her eyes widened.
"SHIGERU, STOP!"
But I was already cracking my knuckles.
"Time to send a polite message to the Akademiya," I muttered. "With fists. And possibly fire."
Lumine dove at me like a flying squirrel, pinning me down.
"NO! YOU ABSOLUTE IDIOT!"
I struggled, but my gains were just too solid. My daily push-ups had prepared me for this moment.
"You can't stop justice with hugs, Lumine! LET ME AT 'EM!"
Dehya sighed. "This dude..."
She casually walked over and helped Lumine wrestle me to the floor. It took both of them.
Not to brag, but I might be part geo construct.
Nilou looked beyond shocked.
Like I just confessed to eating books for breakfast.
"W-Why is he reacting like this?!"
Lumine, still clinging onto my neck with both arms, groaned. "Because this idiot probably just imagined the theater getting shut down and went full berserker mode. And he can destroy the Akademiya, by the way. He just usually... doesn't."
"THIS IS ABOUT DANCE, LUMINE!" I shouted. "ART IS SACRED! NILOU IS SACRED! THIS STAGE IS HOLY GROUND!"
Paimon poked my cheek. "Shigeru, you're acting like someone stole your dessert and your emotions."
"They did! They tried to steal beauty!"
"Shut up before you declare war on the sages!"
I thrashed. "TOO LATE! WAR IS INEVITABLE!"
Dehya grunted, pinning my arm. "Remind me never to let you near any political meetings."
Nilou laughed.
ACTUAL LAUGHTER. The kind that makes birds start nesting in your chest and calling it home.
She crouched beside me, kneeling as if I were some wounded soldier and she the gentle medic of dreams.
"Shigeru," she said softly. "I appreciate your feelings. Really. But don't worry. We hired someone to patch up the place. The stage got a complete makeover. The performances will continue."
I froze.
The berserker rage subsided. The internal firestorm paused.
"Wait... really?"
"Really."
Dunyarzad leaned in beside her. "We even picked out some new props and costumes. It's going to be the best performance yet."
I flexed my wrists and gently broke out of Lumine and Dehya's grip like it was nothing.
"Oh. Okay then. Cool. All good. No casualties needed."
I brushed imaginary dust from my shirt.
Nilou nodded, that sunshine smile back in full force. "Rest assured. You'll be able to witness all the performances."
"That's right," Dunyarzad added with a smile. "You won't miss a single one."
Paimon floated beside me, arms crossed. "And that means no blowing up anything, got it?"
Dehya snorted. "Please. That's like asking him to breathe underwater."
Lumine looked tired. "You're lucky she finds you funny."
I pointed both fingers at her like she just told me I won a lifetime supply of happiness.
"Perfect."
Beat.
Then I added casually, with a dazzling smile: "But I will still destroy the Akademiya. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe after dinner. Who knows."
Lumine smacked her forehead so hard the air rippled.
Paimon: face, meet palm.
Dehya and Dunyarzad burst into laughter.
Paimon groaned. "This is why we can't have nice things without explosions."
Lumine muttered under her breath, "This guy is too much of a simp."
Dehya clapped me on the back. "At least he's consistent. You gotta admire the commitment."
Dunyarzad giggled. "It's like watching a theater performance unfold in real life."
Jealousy? In the room. Confirmed.
I crossed my arms smugly.
Nilou just kept giggling.
I think I ascended again.
In conclusion:
Theater? Saved.
Nilou? Smiling.
Me? Possibly banned from Sumeru City in 48 hours.
Worth it.
__________________________
End of chapter 84
Quests Completed:
*Wake up in a dreamlike version of Sumeru… except there's a wedding. And you're the groom. And Nilou is smiling like she means it.
*Pass out at least three more times in a single chapter.
*You've shocked the entire travel party. Paimon is vibrating in judgment.
*Visit the Zubayr Theater post-wedding (In a dream), only to learn the Akademiya once tried to shut it down.
*Declare war against the Akedemia just to be stopped by your cute blond companion and a Cat Mommy.
Rewards:
*x1 Dream Wedding Experience (Unconfirmed Real)
*+10000 Simp Points (can be used to unlock future jealousy events)
*+50 Relationship EXP with Nilou
*+10 Affection with Dunyarzad and Dehya (Made them laugh their asses out)
*+1 Universal Theater Pass (LIFETIME)
*+3 Sumeru Arrest Warnings (Pending Review)
*New Bond Skill Unlocked: "Emotionally Volatile Devotion"
*Passive Buff: "Stage Defender" – +20% STR. when defending Nilou's honor
Achievements:
"Cultural Appreciation (and Destruction)"
-Threaten to destroy an academic institution in defense of dance— Because some art is worth the arson.
"Simpage Level: Maximum"
-Cause actual chaos over Nilou. Be proud of it.— Shigeru would do it again.