Ohh... Match between me and Dhiren? ... I can't even stand straight in front of him, and now I'm supposed to play against him? Not that I haven't played with him, but still... after so long... after ignoring him so much just to avoid his gaze... his conversation... just to avoid falling for him... I still stand in front of him... and I'm ready to take the challenge to play the game.
All the memories rush to my brain once again....of how we used to play badminton in our school badminton court... sometimes doubles... sometimes singles....even though I avoided playing it sometimes, he always... always made me stay... just to have one match. I fall for him. Talk about first love, which I never experienced, but this guy had something in him that sparked in me as well. A heartthrob indeed... any girl would fall for him, and just like that, any girl does fall for him.
I always stole of glances at him while sitting in the classroom... Sometimes he would so indulged in his studies that he looked mesmerizing, and sometimes I have had the direct eye contact with him... pure heart attack... pure terror... I never talked to him in class, just a casual hi and hello, and sometimes I even avoided that. Every other girl talked to him except me; either I am too shy to talk to him or I didn't have the guts. School was the best place... the place that gave me Dhiren, and just like that the day came when our school ends, when we bid farewell to our school, and I bid farewell to him as well. I never thought to confess to him just because... what I thought was just an attraction, his constant fragments and continuous thinking in my memory, made me fall for him.
Badminton court was the only place where I could look him in the eyes and play. I was never shy in the court and he never was shy... neither in the court nor outside it.
Today is the coincidence that Dhiren's and my time clashes in the court. I fix my time knowing Dhiren won't be present in the arena. I started avoiding him, the day when he ignored me on my face while we are walking face to face. I didn't had the courage to lower my self-respect so I decided not to talk to him unless he decides to call me and talk to me.
But still whenever he was near me... he made me nervous.
"Anaira?" A voice jolts me out of my thoughts...
God... I have a whole movie in my mind. Uff... I sigh deeply and made an eye contact... why did I made eye contact? Have I forgotten who was standing in front of me... What the hell was even wrong with me?
It already was awkward, and to top it off, my badminton fell down as I was suppose to catch it. Laughing nervously, I picked it up and raised my eyebrows at Dhiren.
"Badminton match?"
"Of course… not."
I wanted to scream it, but my voice barely escapes in a whisper.
He catched that. His slight smirk confirmed it.
There was brief eye contact, too brief, and I immediately walked over to my side of the court.
He too was dedicated towards the game and knowing my game, he often teased me about it, how boys were scared to play against me, how he was the only courageous one to play with me. A friendly banter I would say.
I stood at the right corner, racket gripped tight, focused. Our eyes met again. Hazel green, twinkling under the lights. For a split second, I forgot where I was.
Not now, Anaira. Not the time to admire his beauty. Focus.
The shuttle came flying.
I smashed it.
The match begins.
I felt every heartbeat syncing with each step, each shot. The sound of the shuttle being hit, the bounce of our shoes against the court...it was electric.
Dhiren returned the smash with a perfectly angled drop. Cheeky. I barely made it in time.
Our rhythm was familiar. He knew my tricks. I knew his. The court was our stage, and the audience...Maitrey, Ankit, and some students who gathered...watched in awe.
"Come on, Anaira!" Maitrey screamed.
"Dhiren! Smash her now!" Ankit yelled.
"FOCUS!" I screamed internally.
He moved with such calm precision. I, on the other hand, was all adrenaline. I hit a cross-court drop. He dived for it.
Gasps.
He made it.
Damn, I forgot he was a beast at defense.
"Wasn't expecting that, were you?" he teased mid-game.
I smiled.
The score was 10–11. One more point and he would win.
But not that day.
Sweat drenched us both. Breathing heavily. Legs tired. But minds... sharp.
He served.
I lunged.
The rally lasted longer than any before. Each shot, a mini battle.
The crowd was silent then.
Eyes glued.
I saw an opening. I flicked the shuttle to the far back left corner.
He ran... he ran with everything he had.
Then it happened.
His shoe's sole betrayed him. A loud rip and... thud.
"Dhiren!" I shouted.
I rushed across the court, racket dropping, heart stopping.
He lay there, blinking, a sheepish grin on his face.
"I'm alive," he said.
"Oh my God, you scare me!" I exhaled, relieved.
"I'd rather lose a match than my dignity," he joked, lifting his ruined shoe.
Everyone burst into laughter.
"Well," I said, offering him a hand, "the match is off... but I still win." Not on the scoreboard, maybe. But I won… one last memory with him.
"In your dreams," he replied, taking my hand.
"So very cheeky and cocky of you…" I said sarcastically, and he, on the other hand, took it as if it was his everyday routine.
"So how are studies going...?" he asked while sipping his water.
"Pretty good... what about you?"
"Good, good... Actually, I was hoping to ask you something."
A sudden rush in my bones... I felt it in my heart, guts, and legs, but I couldn't be so obvious. Was he going to ask the same thing I was hoping to ask him?
"Yeah?"
"Do you know any girl?"
What? Excuse me... what even was this question?
Reading my expression, he quickly reframed the question.
"Oh... not for me... you see, my friend here was single, so I wanted a girl for him..."
"Oh…I-I kind of didn't have many female friends, and the one I knew was already in a relationship. So... no?
"Oh, it's okay... no problem!"
A brief silence followed, then the question, "By the way, are you in a relationship?"
Was this a joke... the one I wanted to come into a relationship with was asking me if I was in a relationship? I laughed internally and sipped some water.
"No!" One word was enough... now it was my duty to ask him back... what if he was in a relationship?
It had been a while that Dhiren was on my mind for the past few days... after leaving school... choosing a college was an actual roller coaster for me. The college I wanted admission to was only 1 mark away from me, but negative marking dragged me down.
It was not a serious issue... if I remembered that incident that day... only one question came to my mind: I cried for that university, but why? That day, it didn't even matter, till the time I was happy... I slept peacefully. I was ready to take admission to any college.
To my surprise, Dhiren was also in this college. I had a feeling... happy or disappointment... I was confused. Leaving school, I had this one thing in my mind—to forget everything, whatever happened in school: friends, teachers, guards and HIM. I decided to forget everything if I wanted to be happy and now he was in the same college as me. My luck truly was not on my side.
After I heard the news that he was also in this college... I started seeing him often, or should I say, I started searching for him everywhere. I didn't know if it was my intuition or a coincidence, but whenever he was near me, my eyes always wandered off in his direction. We started seeing each other often. Small conversations, lighthearted jokes, and his eyes had my whole heart.
He was glued to my mind, so now I wanted a reason, a reason to unglue him. One talk was enough with him right then. I just wanted to hear from him that yes, yes, he was in a relationship with someone...only one conversation to move on from him, and I'd be good. That day was the best day to ask him, and I never failed to seize that opportunity.
"Are you in a relationship?"
"Huh? What?"
"I asked... are you in a relationship, Dhiren? With someone?" I made sure not to make eye contact with him. If I made eye contact, he'd know... he'd know my feelings for him.
"Oh... yes, I am in a relationship…"
He didn't say her name. He didn't need to. The word "yes" echoed louder than any name ever could.
Silence... the noise of the shuttle being smashed by the student, the noise of their shoes, heavy breathing, exhaust fans trying to push the air outside, making sure not to suffocate the arena. Those noises were for the outside world, but my inside world already collapsed... shattered even. He already was in a relationship. If… if the exhaust was working well... then why did I feel suffocated? Why was it hard for me to breathe?
A lump in my throat. I should contain myself. I should breathe... YES... heavy, deep breathing. I never experienced what a shattered world looked like... but then... then I knew.
"Good." A tired smile plastered my lips, but it felt wrong; I wanted to cry my heart out. I couldn't deal with it anymore.
"Uhh... is she from our college?"
"No... she's from our city. It's good that you are single. Enjoy being single."
I let out a laugh, the kind of laugh that didn't reach the eyes. The kind you use when you're holding yourself together with thread.
I packed my belongings and had a good amount of water. My eyes were in pain because of continuous blinking that, in any case, tears didn't dare to fall from my eyes.
We all bid bye to each other, and I walked towards my hostel, plugging my earphones in. "अभी न जाओ छोड़ कर, के दिल अभी भरा नहीं ।" Indeed… I didn't leave yet… because my heart, truly, wasn't done loving him.
The crowd's cheers faded behind me, like a dream dissolving at dawn. The world moved on, but I... I paused in heartbreak.
Gripping my racket tight, I entered my room. Tired, I sat down on my bed, ever so gently. I had no motivation... to sleep? to study? to work? I had nothing to do. All of a sudden, the plan... the work I organized in my mind while playing... vanished. 5 minutes passed, 15 even. What should I do? Should I cry? Should I eat? Should I sleep?
All of a sudden, I had this urge to laugh... laugh uncontrollably, for no good reason. I didn't know how or when, but while laughing, a tear escaped my eye. Drip... and one more... my heart couldn't bear more. It was full... full of sadness.
I cried... I cried without a sound. The kind of cry that didn't echo but ached. As if silence itself grieved with me... I couldn't handle myself. Although I was alone in my room, I didn't know why I didn't cry loudly.
I wiped off my tears, but tears didn't go away. What should I do? ... what should I do? I didn't want to cry, but I cried... I was a mess indeed. I was the one who prayed to God that he should tell me he had a girlfriend, but when he did... why couldn't I handle that?
I didn't want to cry. I thought I was strong, but guess what? Reality gave me a check. It said, "Strong, and you? ... wait... let me show you reality." And reality did. With a single sentence, it shattered the years of silent hope. I loved him dearly, I always admired him, and I knew I'd be rejected even if I asked him. Handsome he and average me. No couple vibes... if we walked around in public... then they would say, "Such an average girl with this handsome dude. HE deserves better."
He must be happy with his girlfriend. I always thought that whoever this person he said 'I love you' to would be so lucky, and finally he found that lucky girl. I... I thought that once I was done with my studies... before leaving this college, I would confess to him… just because I couldn't take it anymore, but guess what? I never did it then.
Maybe I was just a chapter in a story he was never meant to read. A face in a crowd he never looked twice at. For him... I didn't even exist. While for me, he was the whole book... every page, every line, every unsaid word. Maybe love isn't always loud or mutual. Sometimes, it just sits quietly in your chest, waiting… hoping… and then breaking. And mine? Mine shattered without ever being heard…'