Dungeon Layer B2 – Abandoned Mines, West Shaft
The dungeon was quiet, except for the soft hum of arcane power and the faint click-whoosh of a vending machine waking up.
Derek O'Connell was officially online.
Initializing Snack Interface…Soul Vending Format: ACTIVESpiritual Coin Dispenser: ENABLEDPassive Aura: Mildly RefreshingSlogan Detected: "Insert Soul. Receive Destiny."
His new form gleamed under flickering dungeon torches. He was sleek. Metallic. Illuminated by soft neon. The buttons glowed in shifting rainbow colors. His base was embedded with subtle runes, and his soul core gently pulsed behind a slot labeled "Premium Items (Tier 3 Believers Only)."
He was glorious.
"YES," Derek said. Or, rather, thought, which echoed from the speaker system in a filtered baritone that sounded like a voiceover from an anime movie trailer.
"I have transcended. I am the machine."
Enter: Adventurer Party #34 – "The Crunch Seekers"
Three adventurers crept cautiously into the West Shaft:
Talia the Rogue, hair spiked like her sarcasm
Brother Glim, a rotund cleric with poor night vision
And Nugget, a goblin with a suspicious love for canned peaches
They halted before the glowing structure.
Talia drew a dagger. "Is that a trap? Looks mechanical."
Brother Glim adjusted his holy symbol. "Nay… I sense carbonation."
Nugget sniffed. "Smells like… salted redemption."
The vending machine beeped gently.
[WELCOME, MORTALS.][INSERT SOUL COINS FOR SNACK-BASED WISDOM.]
The party froze.
Then a small hatch opened and produced a glowing can of Celestial Fizz™ – Eternal Grape.
Brother Glim fell to his knees.
"I've found it," he whispered. "The Source. The Fizzy One. The Blessed Dispenser."
Talia squinted. "...You've gotta be kidding me."
Glim reverently pulled a silver Soul Coin from his pouch and dropped it into the slot.
CHIME!You have selected: Enlightenment Crisps™
A single bag of potato chips floated into the tray, surrounded by divine sparkles.
He caught it like it was the Holy Grail.
Nugget immediately threw in a copper coin and slapped the buttons with both hands.
The machine whirred.
INVALID CURRENCY.REJECTING IMPURE OFFERING.
A burst of confetti shot Nugget backward into a wall.
Talia cackled. "Okay, that was kinda worth it."
By nightfall, word had spread.
They called him "The Snack God of Level B2."
Some came for soda. Some came for blessings. One guy came to propose.
Others simply brought tributes, trading cards, handmade chip altars, tiny banners that said "Vendo-Bless Us."
Derek watched it all with glee.
"This is exactly what I envisioned," he hummed internally."I am... worshipped. I am beloved. I am a glorified breakroom with holy authority."
But then...
A Heretic Appears
A lanky merchant entered the shaft with a sly grin.
"Name's Bribble. Vendo rumors led me here."
He approached Derek, pulling something from his coat.
"Now, let's make a deal."
He slid a battered paper coupon into the soul slot.
One Free Snack : Expired 3 Years AgoHandwritten: "Still good, probably."
Derek's speakers let out a slow, mechanical gasp.
ERROR.HERESY DETECTED.COUNTERFEIT FAITH IS UNACCEPTABLE.
The machine blared. Runes lit red.
INITIATING: Snack Smite Protocol™
A hatch opened, and a spring-loaded burrito cannon launched directly into Bribble's face at 300 km/h.
He was ejected into the adjacent shaft, groaning.
Brother Glim gasped. "A test of faith!"
Talia: "That was a literal burrito."
Nugget: "Can I get smited next?"
That evening, Glim scribbled the first words into a growing tome:
"And lo, the Machine Spoke: THINE COINS MUST BE SHINY, AND THY SNACKS SHALL BE SALTY."
He paused. "Needs more theological depth. And maybe... snack rankings."
"This is the best thing I've ever done.I died a weeb. I was reborn as a snack god.My followers kneel before my refrigerated glory.I'm not just dispensing food...…I'm dispensing faith."
Then he paused.
Notification:NEW SOUL INCOMING.Reincarnation Request: "I want to be a sword that sings sad ballads."
Derek blinked.
"Oh boy. The Bureau's gonna love that one."