My life as a shadow started long ago, because of my insecurities and cowardice. For a long time, I thought that I wasn't enough to my parents, that I was not talented enough, not intelligent or beautiful.
For a long time I tried to please them, to meet their expectations, but each time it was harder, and maybe worthless. They didn't care.
I thought that I was not needed in this world, and someone like me would never get any better.
Then I met Emily, she pulled me out and gave me what I needed at the moment, recognition and hope.
However, with time, something started to change, in her, in me.
Emily was my best friend, I liked her a lot, but she was also ruining my life. I know it was wrong to think this way but… I couldn't help it.
"I like Emily, I'm sorry, Jena."
Daniel said those words to me after three years together, after smiles, jokes, talks and many mixed signals. I was devastated. All this time, I thought he was interested in me. He waited for me after class, and joked with me. He would even smile often when he saw me but he, like many others, only stayed by my side to get closer to her.
"Okay," I said not knowing what to do or how to respond. I was lost. My mind was screaming, but my mouth was silent. "It's okay, I didn't mean anything by saying that I liked you. I just wanted you to know that you are a wonderful person, and I enjoyed your company as a friend."
This may be the end of our friendship. I should had expected it.
He didn't believe my words. "Jena, this…"
I guess my painful expression was telling that I meant what I said with all my heart. "It's okay, you don't have to be that uncomfortable."
He returned a guilty smile, an awkward smile while he stepped back as if telling me that he found me disgusting. Those eyes showed that he was uncomfortable with what was happening, I would too.
"I have to get back to study, the big exam is near, you know," he said with this strange tone, the kind that said that he wanted to leave quickly to avoid being embarrassed anymore. Maybe he won't try to talk to me again after this for fear of me becoming clingy. I won't do that, I am not that bold or brave. I will try to avoid him too.
"Okay," I said, "Good luck, I will stay here to continue reviewing."
I sat back on my desk in my hidden spot in the library and continued reading. I didn't notice when he left, I hope he did quickly before I couldn't control my tears.
I think I read twenty pages about finance, there were some study cases, some examples, some pretty interesting stuff, but my eyes… I didn't know what happened to my eyes, and my lips and my nose. Tears started falling, my lips began trembling and my nose stunk.
Again, I didn't want to blame her, my best friend Emily. She was the sunshine for many of us, our mutual friends, our families.
Everyone liked her, she was pretty, strong, charismatic with a great personality. Of course, she was smart and outspoken. Brave and principle oriented, and also cool. Well she was the definition of the heroine of a novel. The one who gets in trouble all the time, but she has the ability to solve it like the main character of a novel.
Everyone admired her, including me. My younger sister looked up to her as if she was her older sister and my parents loved her like their own child, even more than me.
Of course, all of our group of friends came together thanks to her.
However, at the same time, as she was moving forward, getting brighter, stronger, and more beautiful, I was left behind. There was no way I could follow her, and she never reached out to me. Why would she do that? Why would she wait and step down for me when her bright future was in front of her?
I knew I should tell her about my feelings, about Daniel, but right now, it was not possible.
My mind was thinking bad things about her, I didn't want to see her and show her how ugly I was. She was innocent, but my heart was in pain and my mind was not following rational thoughts. If I were to talk to her, I would scream and blame her for all. No, I can't do that. She doesn't deserve it.
In the end, all that cool stuff about finance, didn't entered my head. I left the library after wiping my eyes.
My cellphone rang twice, there was a message from the school forum, nothing relevant, and that was all. My parents didn't call for me, Emily also didn't call.
I didn't have as many friends as her, but I didn't care. I only wanted to be close to her and… Daniel.
When I arrived home, my parents were already there. My younger sister too. They said something about dinner but they didn't even look at me. This was usual for them.
"Where is Emily?" I heard Megan, my younger sister, said. "I want to invite her to my school festival."
"Call her," I said without looking back at her.
Megan never invited me before to her school festival. I once heard her telling her friends that Emily was her older sister and I was just a friend of Emily, not even important to mention my name. She denied me being her sister several times before. It was painful at first but then, it became a habit of her. My parents never corrected her too.
"I did it but she isn't answering her phone," her voice was irritated as she followed me back to my room.
"Send her a message, she will answer later," I said and closed the door.
"Hey! Call her! Do it! You idiot! At least be useful for something… ugh…" she kicked the door but I didn't care.
I was tired. I laid on my bed without changing and for many hours I stared at the window, at the sky and the tallest tree outside.
I tried to sleep but tears followed me inside my dreams. Then a thought: "I didn't want to care anymore."